1. mayonnaise and crackers are gourmet
2. you order the largest hot dog that 7-eleven sells - slather it with everything and snarf half of it while walking out of the store - then scope the fallen condiments out with chips, because who would let all that yummy goodness go to waste!
3. anytime you end up at taco bell - period!
4. you open a can of tuna for the cat and sit on the couch 'sharing' it
5. potato chips and string cheese are 'the BEST dinner ever!'
6. you consume an entire Sara Lee cheesecake - family size
and no, I don't want to talk about it
7. pickled eggs - enough said
(and yes, they are purple!!! ewwwww!!!!)
sometimes hunger overrides common sense
Monday, November 22, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
why treadmills are the anti-christ
They look deceptively easy, especially compared to what most exercise equipment looks like, a cross between a jungle gym and torture devices (I have been to the Tower of London - the similarities are striking...hey wait, I might be on to something there) and while I can not speak for everyone, I have definitely left the gym feeling tortured a time or two.
So this remarkably simple device totally seemed like the way to go for me - the coordination / grace / balance challenged being that I am.
You just get on it and walk.
Well, hell! I walk all the time (yes - true sometimes into walls, half-way through doorways, and I have been known to trip over lint, but still...)
You just step up onto it and hit the the little speed button a couple of times and 'voila' - successful, healthy exercise...
unless you are me...
Allow me to elaborate -
My gym, which will remain nameless so that you can not go look up the security tapes, has a bank of approximately 15 treadmills all lined up in front of mirrors, supposedly so that you can watch your form but I think it is really so you can watch other people's forms (wink, wink). And behind them are the afore mentioned torture devices, with spinning fly wheels, wave motions, and a ladder climbing thingy that I would just end up tangled in for days if I ever tried to use it. (I am actually slightly scared to walk to close to it...)
But anyway - back to the anti-christ.
Usually the line of devil-machines is fully occupied in the evenings (obviously with angels because who else but God's spiritual warriors could tame the damn things!) and this svelte, trim, and lycra clad group run in a united and rhythmic cadence that is well beyond my abilities. So at least I had the foresight to go in the afternoon when my chance of being intimidated would be reduced by the lack of eye-witnesses.
I step up onto it.
Well, this isn't so bad. (of course I haven't actually turned it on yet but my life is made up of these little victories.)
The rubber belt is far more grippy than I thought it would be and I find myself wondering if that is a potential positive or negative...hmmm...
But I am comforted by the hand railings and the false sense of confidence they give me that all will go well. (visions of the 'bionic woman' opening - the original 1976 tv series are flashing through my mind - oh yeah, I am going to be soooo awesome at this!)
I start off at a snails pace, in fact one might have passed me, because the whole moving ground thing really messes with my non-existent balance. But gradually I gain confidence and increase the speed to where I am really cooking, at least for me.
Until...
I wasn't paying 100% attention to what I was doing (bad plan and yet so typical of me) and I accidentally mistook the incline button for the speed button...what can I say - I was in 'the zone' - not the right zone, but it was a zone.
In my defense, the incline button didn't make a dramatic difference the first few times that I pushed it, thinking it was the speed button, of course. So naturally, what does a frustrated Lindsay Wagner want-to-be do if the button doesn't appear to be working?
Well, yeah - press it 20 times really fast! Why, what was your answer?!
Needless to say I figured out it was the incline button - the only snag is now I am at a steep incline but going way faster than I should be because it is no longer flat...and something is going to give.
I had a brief moment, just before panic set in to make the right choice and press the gigantic red button that is labeled 'Stop' but that seemed so ... cowardly... so - not the choice I made.
I decided instead to lower the incline level back to flat, nice and easy - awesome choice really - calm, collected, no one will have to know that I can not work a 4 button machine properly - perfect!
Except,
with the quick pace and now a serious hill to tackle, I am further back on the satan-stridder than I thought and couldn't quite reach up to the incline buttons and inadvertently hit the speed buttons instead.
There was no saving me after that...
In slow motion in my mind's eye I could totally see myself (as Lindsay Wagner - of course!) doing a backwards somersault off the end of the treadmill flipping once in the air, landing on my feet with my hands held high going, 'ta-da', to the stunned on-lookers who all gasp in wonder at my cat-like reflexes and dexterity, I will be a You-tube legend!!!
Well, ok, it was almost like that...
Ok, ok, it was sort of like that...
Alright, fine - would you believe it was absolutely nothing like that...good choice.
Reality can be so harsh. I tripped on the super grippy rubber mat (definitely a negative) and slammed to my knees, removing most of the skin, flew off the end, and just for good measure bounced my chin off the back before ending the trip against a wall. I remained in a heap for several painful seconds before remembering that I was in a public place...and God help me someone was bound to see me. Oh No!! But my tumble had left me with two serious rubber burns on both knees, so crawling to the locker room wasn't even an option.
I look around - and to my delight and shock, there is absolutely no one around...I am so happy at that moment!! To have managed not to have utterly humiliated myself, that my joy actually diminished my extreme pain and wounded pride...until...I saw it....Nooooo!!
The security camera - pointed right in the direction of where my flailing acrobatics had taken place.
Oh f*ck!!! Now I really will be a You-tube legend!!
Whimper!!
So this remarkably simple device totally seemed like the way to go for me - the coordination / grace / balance challenged being that I am.
You just get on it and walk.
Well, hell! I walk all the time (yes - true sometimes into walls, half-way through doorways, and I have been known to trip over lint, but still...)
You just step up onto it and hit the the little speed button a couple of times and 'voila' - successful, healthy exercise...
unless you are me...
Allow me to elaborate -
My gym, which will remain nameless so that you can not go look up the security tapes, has a bank of approximately 15 treadmills all lined up in front of mirrors, supposedly so that you can watch your form but I think it is really so you can watch other people's forms (wink, wink). And behind them are the afore mentioned torture devices, with spinning fly wheels, wave motions, and a ladder climbing thingy that I would just end up tangled in for days if I ever tried to use it. (I am actually slightly scared to walk to close to it...)
But anyway - back to the anti-christ.
Usually the line of devil-machines is fully occupied in the evenings (obviously with angels because who else but God's spiritual warriors could tame the damn things!) and this svelte, trim, and lycra clad group run in a united and rhythmic cadence that is well beyond my abilities. So at least I had the foresight to go in the afternoon when my chance of being intimidated would be reduced by the lack of eye-witnesses.
I step up onto it.
Well, this isn't so bad. (of course I haven't actually turned it on yet but my life is made up of these little victories.)
The rubber belt is far more grippy than I thought it would be and I find myself wondering if that is a potential positive or negative...hmmm...
But I am comforted by the hand railings and the false sense of confidence they give me that all will go well. (visions of the 'bionic woman' opening - the original 1976 tv series are flashing through my mind - oh yeah, I am going to be soooo awesome at this!)
I start off at a snails pace, in fact one might have passed me, because the whole moving ground thing really messes with my non-existent balance. But gradually I gain confidence and increase the speed to where I am really cooking, at least for me.
Until...
I wasn't paying 100% attention to what I was doing (bad plan and yet so typical of me) and I accidentally mistook the incline button for the speed button...what can I say - I was in 'the zone' - not the right zone, but it was a zone.
In my defense, the incline button didn't make a dramatic difference the first few times that I pushed it, thinking it was the speed button, of course. So naturally, what does a frustrated Lindsay Wagner want-to-be do if the button doesn't appear to be working?
Well, yeah - press it 20 times really fast! Why, what was your answer?!
Needless to say I figured out it was the incline button - the only snag is now I am at a steep incline but going way faster than I should be because it is no longer flat...and something is going to give.
I had a brief moment, just before panic set in to make the right choice and press the gigantic red button that is labeled 'Stop' but that seemed so ... cowardly... so - not the choice I made.
I decided instead to lower the incline level back to flat, nice and easy - awesome choice really - calm, collected, no one will have to know that I can not work a 4 button machine properly - perfect!
Except,
with the quick pace and now a serious hill to tackle, I am further back on the satan-stridder than I thought and couldn't quite reach up to the incline buttons and inadvertently hit the speed buttons instead.
There was no saving me after that...
In slow motion in my mind's eye I could totally see myself (as Lindsay Wagner - of course!) doing a backwards somersault off the end of the treadmill flipping once in the air, landing on my feet with my hands held high going, 'ta-da', to the stunned on-lookers who all gasp in wonder at my cat-like reflexes and dexterity, I will be a You-tube legend!!!
Well, ok, it was almost like that...
Ok, ok, it was sort of like that...
Alright, fine - would you believe it was absolutely nothing like that...good choice.
Reality can be so harsh. I tripped on the super grippy rubber mat (definitely a negative) and slammed to my knees, removing most of the skin, flew off the end, and just for good measure bounced my chin off the back before ending the trip against a wall. I remained in a heap for several painful seconds before remembering that I was in a public place...and God help me someone was bound to see me. Oh No!! But my tumble had left me with two serious rubber burns on both knees, so crawling to the locker room wasn't even an option.
I look around - and to my delight and shock, there is absolutely no one around...I am so happy at that moment!! To have managed not to have utterly humiliated myself, that my joy actually diminished my extreme pain and wounded pride...until...I saw it....Nooooo!!
The security camera - pointed right in the direction of where my flailing acrobatics had taken place.
Oh f*ck!!! Now I really will be a You-tube legend!!
Whimper!!
taco bell and gastrointestinal harmonics
my intention here had been to relay my adventures in random late night dining and to discuss the reasons why i do not choose taco bell for any source of caloric intake ... except when enough time has lapsed between my going there to where i forget why it is strictly off limits. (in this case roughly 12 years)
but then i realized the title encapsulated it all so well, there really is no need to say any more...
don't worry gentle fans - i will attempt to be less concise next time :)
but then i realized the title encapsulated it all so well, there really is no need to say any more...
don't worry gentle fans - i will attempt to be less concise next time :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
maybe
The ten ways you can tell you 'maybe' had too much to drink last night:
1. your mouth is so dry that you can not chew gum
2. every sentence you say begins with "oh my god, i did what..."
3. your car is parked in Virginia and you wake up in Delaware
4. your last text message to your friend was "oops, i think i am going to regret this"
5. your mountain bike is in bed with you
6. at 12 o'clock the next afternoon, you still would not pass a breathalyzer
7. your first thought in the morning is ... where DID my clothes fall off?
8. you have to spend 4 hours un-tagging yourself from facebook pictures - because last night you were 'super-awesome'
9. you are not sure where the lawn chair in your living room is from or why the cat is wearing a cowbell
10. the tub is full of jello, there is a reindeer in the closet, and you are wearing a Winnie-the-Pooh costume
1. your mouth is so dry that you can not chew gum
2. every sentence you say begins with "oh my god, i did what..."
3. your car is parked in Virginia and you wake up in Delaware
4. your last text message to your friend was "oops, i think i am going to regret this"
5. your mountain bike is in bed with you
6. at 12 o'clock the next afternoon, you still would not pass a breathalyzer
7. your first thought in the morning is ... where DID my clothes fall off?
8. you have to spend 4 hours un-tagging yourself from facebook pictures - because last night you were 'super-awesome'
9. you are not sure where the lawn chair in your living room is from or why the cat is wearing a cowbell
10. the tub is full of jello, there is a reindeer in the closet, and you are wearing a Winnie-the-Pooh costume
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