1. you are already friends with too many other people you have slept with
2. none of your other friends really want to read your cute 'pet' names for each other - farmville is annoying enough
3. if/when you break up it will take forever to untag them from all of your photos
4. "well i have seen their ______ (fill in the blank) you would think they could at least friend me" - nope, bad plan...don't do it!!
5. the internet always remembers the things that one day you are going to want to forget
6. post break up stalking (we have all done it, so don't pretend otherwise)
7. the risk of having your 'new' significant other find out about your 'previous' significant others and trying to explain - we are just friends...r-i-g-h-t!
8. the dreadful realization that if you actually change your relationship status, your wall will light up like a christmas tree with comments
9. you are so going to regret that drunken wall post in the morning, because yes, your mother did see that you "really want their ______ (insert body part here)"!! (double meaning completely intentional - nudge-nudge, wink-wink!)
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
mr. tire - really?!?
Dear Mr Tire of Arlington,
Let me explain and I will use small words so you can understand.
Yes, I am a woman.
Yes, I am blonde.
Yes, I look small and demure.
AND yes, you misjudged me!
Because while I am a woman, and blonde, and small - NO, I am not stupid!! (or demure either, but that isn't the point here)
When I brought my car into you to be inspected the man working inside winked at me and said 'hey baby' - this is a bad start to good customer relations - no one is flattered by someone leering at them when they are trying to conduct business, save it for the bar where I can easily avoid you. Next, I am at the counter and the man begins taking my work order. Now, Mr. Tire of Arlington, this should have been a clue not to try and hoodwink me, when I am telling the man everything I need done - car inspection, brake lights fixed, the type of oil I want put in my car, the tire pressure needs to be checked (and what the tire pressure should be), how many miles are on my car etc...then obviously I know something about what is going on with my car. Did you pick up on this?
No.
Then Mr. Tire of Arlington, you try and sell me 'high test oil' of the wrong grade because my car 'has so many miles on it and this way you can go 5,000 miles before your next oil change instead of 3,000'. Hmmm, let me think - No. Because I already know that going 6,000 miles before an oil change is perfectly fine for the Millennium Falcon (my nickname for my car because she is a 'come on baby, hold together' sort of machine) ... but thanks for the 'concern' Mr. Tire of Arlington. (sarcasm? Who me?!? - YEP!)
They quote me $54.00 - fair enough. I sign.
They call at 2:00pm.
"Hello, Ms. ______?"
"Yes."
"I wanted to let you know about your car."
(JAWS music begins playing in my mind)
"Okay."
"Well, we needed to replace the brake lights in order for it to pass inspection." (Da Na)
"Yes, I know, that is why I asked you to do that already." I reply.
"And, your serpentine belt has cracks in it and while the belt passed it isn't really safe this way, you should consider replacing it." (Da Na, Da Na)
"Oh, really?" I say, sounding very serious and concerned.
"Yes."
"Tell me," I ask sweetly, "How long are those supposed to last?" (Da Na, Da Na, Da Na)
"Oh, only 50-60 thousand miles or between 3-4 years."
"I see, then it should be fine, because you just replaced it for me - last year! So unless you didn't replace it properly or used old parts, it should be fine." (Snap, Chomp, Chomp)
"Oh...Uh...Well, ummm - there are a few other things."
(to myself thinking - Yeah, I just bet there are!!)
Side note Mr. Tire of Arlington - if I tell you I was just in last year, and you are interested in trying to pull a fast one on me, at least have the brains to pull up the service record from last time so you do not recommend work that you have already done!!!
"Well, uh Ms. ______ the brake pads also passed but they are very thin and you really should get them done also."
"Uh-huh." (I am actually thinking, no way in hell are you guys doing them for me)
"But, and here is the bad news." (Yeah - whatever guy!)
"The two back rotors have too much rust on them to pass inspection. They are $129.00 a piece."
(to myself - Are you f*cking kidding me, you lame a** idiots!)
"What?!" I am incredulous by now.
"There is too much rust on them."
"I have had them sanded before, can you just do that since the rotor thickness is the crucial factor."
"No ma'am. We don't do that."
"I see."
"So, should we go ahead and get started on the rotors?"
"No! Put the tires back on, reject it and I will take it somewhere else!" (Seriously guy! You have already lied to me, why would I let you touch my car!)
This should have been the end of it...but no...
When I went - seething - to pick up my car, instead of just letting me pay (turned into $100 - because they charged me $42 for 2 light bulbs!!! honestly!! Arlington Motor Car - who are reputable, wonderful, but sadly moved out of Arlington charged me only $12) they decided it was important that they defend themselves as to why they were attempting to rook me.
Big mistake.
They brought out the inspector to explain to me what a rotor was and how it functioned...
... long pause ... ( raised eyebrow )
And, I hear the mechanics yelling to the inspector as he walks through the door from the garage, "What does she know about it, just show her an old rotor from in the back ..."
... long pause ... ( I am boiling )
The inspector saunters up to the counter with a brand new rotor.
"This is a rotor..."
"Yes" I glared, "I know what a rotor is, I know what brake pads are. I know that the rotor passes or fails based on using calipers to measure the thickness of the rotor, I know that if the brake pads pass then the rotors should pass because while they are two separate parts, wear on one will effect the other. I know that rust isn't going to build up on the rotor if the brake pads are connecting with it, and if the brake pads weren't connecting with the rotor then they shouldn't have passed either."
He stammers...
"Just give me my car."
"Well, uh... we are just doing what the State Police tell us to do. We are concerned for your safety, everything else can go on a car, but the brakes are important."
"Thank you so much for your concern." I am surprised he did not melt with fiery hatred that was in my eyes for him.
"Uh... I will go get your car."
"Lovely." I said flatly.
So ... Mr. Tire of Arlington the level of customer service and respect you have for your patrons, which apparently you are unaware that you need to have and keep - or guess what, you go out of business. Sinks below pathetic into the realm of completely asinine. You don't just lose one customer Mr. Tire of Arlington when you do things like this, you lose everyone they tell about your ridiculous shenanigans!!
Update a few days later:
Let me explain and I will use small words so you can understand.
Yes, I am a woman.
Yes, I am blonde.
Yes, I look small and demure.
AND yes, you misjudged me!
Because while I am a woman, and blonde, and small - NO, I am not stupid!! (or demure either, but that isn't the point here)
When I brought my car into you to be inspected the man working inside winked at me and said 'hey baby' - this is a bad start to good customer relations - no one is flattered by someone leering at them when they are trying to conduct business, save it for the bar where I can easily avoid you. Next, I am at the counter and the man begins taking my work order. Now, Mr. Tire of Arlington, this should have been a clue not to try and hoodwink me, when I am telling the man everything I need done - car inspection, brake lights fixed, the type of oil I want put in my car, the tire pressure needs to be checked (and what the tire pressure should be), how many miles are on my car etc...then obviously I know something about what is going on with my car. Did you pick up on this?
No.
Then Mr. Tire of Arlington, you try and sell me 'high test oil' of the wrong grade because my car 'has so many miles on it and this way you can go 5,000 miles before your next oil change instead of 3,000'. Hmmm, let me think - No. Because I already know that going 6,000 miles before an oil change is perfectly fine for the Millennium Falcon (my nickname for my car because she is a 'come on baby, hold together' sort of machine) ... but thanks for the 'concern' Mr. Tire of Arlington. (sarcasm? Who me?!? - YEP!)
They quote me $54.00 - fair enough. I sign.
They call at 2:00pm.
"Hello, Ms. ______?"
"Yes."
"I wanted to let you know about your car."
(JAWS music begins playing in my mind)
"Okay."
"Well, we needed to replace the brake lights in order for it to pass inspection." (Da Na)
"Yes, I know, that is why I asked you to do that already." I reply.
"And, your serpentine belt has cracks in it and while the belt passed it isn't really safe this way, you should consider replacing it." (Da Na, Da Na)
"Oh, really?" I say, sounding very serious and concerned.
"Yes."
"Tell me," I ask sweetly, "How long are those supposed to last?" (Da Na, Da Na, Da Na)
"Oh, only 50-60 thousand miles or between 3-4 years."
"I see, then it should be fine, because you just replaced it for me - last year! So unless you didn't replace it properly or used old parts, it should be fine." (Snap, Chomp, Chomp)
"Oh...Uh...Well, ummm - there are a few other things."
(to myself thinking - Yeah, I just bet there are!!)
Side note Mr. Tire of Arlington - if I tell you I was just in last year, and you are interested in trying to pull a fast one on me, at least have the brains to pull up the service record from last time so you do not recommend work that you have already done!!!
"Well, uh Ms. ______ the brake pads also passed but they are very thin and you really should get them done also."
"Uh-huh." (I am actually thinking, no way in hell are you guys doing them for me)
"But, and here is the bad news." (Yeah - whatever guy!)
"The two back rotors have too much rust on them to pass inspection. They are $129.00 a piece."
(to myself - Are you f*cking kidding me, you lame a** idiots!)
"What?!" I am incredulous by now.
"There is too much rust on them."
"I have had them sanded before, can you just do that since the rotor thickness is the crucial factor."
"No ma'am. We don't do that."
"I see."
"So, should we go ahead and get started on the rotors?"
"No! Put the tires back on, reject it and I will take it somewhere else!" (Seriously guy! You have already lied to me, why would I let you touch my car!)
This should have been the end of it...but no...
When I went - seething - to pick up my car, instead of just letting me pay (turned into $100 - because they charged me $42 for 2 light bulbs!!! honestly!! Arlington Motor Car - who are reputable, wonderful, but sadly moved out of Arlington charged me only $12) they decided it was important that they defend themselves as to why they were attempting to rook me.
Big mistake.
They brought out the inspector to explain to me what a rotor was and how it functioned...
... long pause ... ( raised eyebrow )
And, I hear the mechanics yelling to the inspector as he walks through the door from the garage, "What does she know about it, just show her an old rotor from in the back ..."
... long pause ... ( I am boiling )
The inspector saunters up to the counter with a brand new rotor.
"This is a rotor..."
"Yes" I glared, "I know what a rotor is, I know what brake pads are. I know that the rotor passes or fails based on using calipers to measure the thickness of the rotor, I know that if the brake pads pass then the rotors should pass because while they are two separate parts, wear on one will effect the other. I know that rust isn't going to build up on the rotor if the brake pads are connecting with it, and if the brake pads weren't connecting with the rotor then they shouldn't have passed either."
He stammers...
"Just give me my car."
"Well, uh... we are just doing what the State Police tell us to do. We are concerned for your safety, everything else can go on a car, but the brakes are important."
"Thank you so much for your concern." I am surprised he did not melt with fiery hatred that was in my eyes for him.
"Uh... I will go get your car."
"Lovely." I said flatly.
So ... Mr. Tire of Arlington the level of customer service and respect you have for your patrons, which apparently you are unaware that you need to have and keep - or guess what, you go out of business. Sinks below pathetic into the realm of completely asinine. You don't just lose one customer Mr. Tire of Arlington when you do things like this, you lose everyone they tell about your ridiculous shenanigans!!
Update a few days later:
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
the great outdoors, part one
People often laugh at me when I say that my idea of camping is the Ritz Carlton (that is a good story too but for another day :) and totally worth the telling, but this one first - for perspective). My response to their laughter...if you had had my camping experiences, you would understand.
So to shed a little light on my adamant revulsion for sleeping outside I thought I would share some of my camping misadventures, this is part one.
Let us begin dear friends by setting the stage for you:
22 teenagers
4 chaperons (one of which was me, yes - scary I know)
1 youth leader (who had NEVER been camping before, I found this out later)
3 days in the wilds of West Virginia
Sure, noooo problem.
We start driving to West Virginia 2 hours off schedule, not a good start, but no worries. 2 vans of shouting teenagers for 6 hours, what could be a more relaxing drive. (No, of course that wasn't sarcastic) The rain was falling pretty heavy and so after 3 hours the first drivers were tired, so I took up one of the driving spots. Luckily I had driven vans before, since grandpa had always had them, so I thought 'no problem' - this is where my fun begins...
I was not prepared for a van full of screaming teenagers (that I was responsible for), in the pouring rain, driving on roads that were too narrow for two cars (two small cars-mind you) to go by each other, going up and down steep mountain roads where you had to apply the brakes with the delicate touch of a brain surgeon to keep from sliding off the mountain. By the time we reached the camp site I was white knuckled on the steering wheel, that probably still has the imprints of my fingers wrapped around it. Never in my life have I had a more stressful drive.
We drive into the camping area where there are two large, ridiculously painted...wait for it...
tepees.
*sigh*
You have to be joking! (for those of you who may not know me, I am Cherokee to some unknown percentage...adopted, no record) and do my best to NOT buy into ludicrous stereotypical places, such as this. Ugh.
Now if the fact that these were absolutely hideous structures was not enough, they were also mounted on huge cement slabs, so we go from camping on the soft ground, to sleeping in a travesty of native american paraphernalia on concrete...g-r-e-a-t!!! And to make it better, because apparently they wanted the tepees to be 'authentic' they have holes in the tops. So they are completely wet on the inside, my joy and enthusiasm for this trip was just getting better and better...(what? you don't believe me...good!!) Someone should have mentioned to them that the only reason for the fricking hole at the top was so that the smoke from the fire you were supposed to have going, could escape. If you aren't going to be building a fire, no need for the hole guys!
We all pile out of the vans and begin to unload, watching carefully that the girls tepee and the boys tepee's do not suddenly become 'co-ed' and get everyone settled. The rain is blissfully beginning to let up, which means that we should be able to setup some food and potentially have a campfire and marshmallows before shuffling the kids to bed.
We locate the campfire area and there is a mildly dug out pit that it is obvious others had used for fires recently, perfect, there was even a small wire rack, which was more than I was expecting. I look over at the youth leader,
"So where is the fire ring? Do you see one?"
"Isn't this it?" he replies.
"No, it is a tall metal ring that goes around this to keep the fire from spreading if there is wind." I spoke very patiently.
"Oh, there is no wind and with all this rain, that would never happen."
Famous last words...And he proceeds to start putting down the charcoal and logs to start the fire. "That is not a good idea without the fire ring..." I cautioned again and kept looking around for it in the dark. He over-ruled my concern and within minutes we had a roaring fire. Now, I must admit, given my complete dislike of cold weather of any kind (again, why did I choose to chaperon??? I
was to ask myself this question many more times over the next few days) that the fire felt wonderful, truly.
Everyone gathered around and grilled hot dogs, marshmallows, etc. Another small snag in our excursion, I was a vegetarian at this time, and had not had the foresight to pack my own food. Which meant very little to choose from for eating...so tonight's meal...a hot dog bun and marshmallows. I may not be a very big person but I can eat, a lot. Needless to say, this was no where near enough for me and I ended up being a little out of sorts with myself over forgetting to bring real food. (meaning Cheetos, of course ... ... get it?? 'cheesy')
We all sit around chatting for a bit and then begin shuffling the kids off to the bathrooms (side note here, the bathrooms were maybe 150 yards away from the lovely tepees) and since the girls were not allowed to go by themselves, we had to walk with them...about 30 times. Excellent!! So now I have gone from mildly hungry to ravenous, and if you know me you will know that I am not my normal sweet self when I get hungry. And if you do not know me, let me describe: Me normally, docile - sweet - and demure as a church mouse...ok, fine - stop laughing, but still at least I am mostly nice and only slightly feisty. Me hungry, imagine a mother polar bear that has just had her cubs stolen and she catches up to the creature that has them...and then you are about half way there.
So I go in search of food from the van, since the hot dog buns are gone and there is just no way that I can consume another marshmallow. I have yet to see such a fine selection of meat products in my life. There were hot dogs, vienna sausages, deli turkey and ham, cans of chicken soup, chili, and beef stew...even the 'junk food' was meat - he brought pork rinds! (big sigh) So no food. Fine, at least everyone was getting ready for bed so I could ignore my hunger if I could just get some sleep.
Another chaperon and I opted to sleep outside, in-between the two tepees so that any late night attempts at sneaking into the girls tent would be thwarted by them tripping over us. The wind had picked up quite a bit, leaves were blowing over and around us but it was overall not completely unpleasant. So just as we lay down, I see just a flicker out of the corner of my eye...I turn my head staring intently...was that what I thought it was?
I look - I wait.
Nothing, ok, I must have imagined it. I go to lay down, adjust my pillow and catch the 'flicker' again. Okay, something is up. I poke the other chaperon say, "I think something just flickered, look." We both stare into the night in the general direction of where the campfire had been earlier.
Flicker (uh-oh)
Flicker - we start scrambling out of our sleeping bags
FLOOSH!!! OH SHIT!!!!
The fire had gotten restarted by the wind and had been spreading under the leaves unseen and then WOOSH! It was everywhere!!! We started running over to try and put it out. We had a tiny amount of water left from the hot dogs that I reached for and poured on as much as I could...not helping! The wind kept spreading the flames just as we had stomped 6 out - 12 popped up. I run to the boys tent where the youth leader was sleeping...pot still in hand...flames rising behind me...adrenaline and panic rising inside me.
"Fire! We need help - get up." - I yell
Nothing.
"Fire! We need help - get up!!!" - I yell louder this time.
Nothing.
Fire is ALL behind me, I can feel the heat on my back now.
Here is where I became grateful of the concrete slab, realizing that I still have the hot dog pot in my hands, I start slamming it on the concrete and screaming at the top of my lungs!
"FIRE!!! GET UP!!!"
Swish!!! 4 boys come flying out of the tepee, literally doing peter pan style leaps. See the fire and well, since it was a church trip, I just will let you guess what they said. They charge into help and I have never been more happy for youthful, testosterone driven, feelings of immortality!! Then the youth leader comes out, his jaw drops, he turns white, says nothing, runs to a van, and drives away...
I was stunned...and just stared after him...in complete and utter disbelief...stammering softly.
The commotion behind me shook me out of my shock, and I turned to see the fire was starting to catch on the trees and was wrapping around the legs of the picnic table, that had all the canisters of fuel on them. The next 10 seconds slowed down to what felt like a year as I started moving - as if through molasses trying to get to the fuel canisters before the fire did...all the while hearing the music from the 'Bionic Man" in my head as I moved... (nah nah nah nah...)
Whew, made it! I picked up all the canisters as the flames started licking at the base of the closest fuel bottle!
And that is when the night really got weird...
What?? yep, exactly :)
So we are stomping out the fire as best we can, picking up dirt in our hands and throwing it on the fire (in my case, using the pot to put out the flames) when, out of no where, two guys with lights on their heads and shovels, coming running into our campsite...by now about 50 square feet is burning at various levels, I send 2 of the our group off for water with the biggest pots we could find, but it really was the magical (come from thin air) lighted shovel guys that turned the tide in our favor. After somewhere around 45 min. to an hour we had the entire fire out and were slumped at the picnic table, with the boys wired as all get out and all of us chaperons REALLY wanting a beer.
And somehow through all of this chaos, and shouting, none of the girls woke up!!! And to be brutally honest, shocking of me I know, I am so glad they didn't because a group of screaming panicky girls might have just pushed me over the teetering brink that I was already on!
Slowly we all started to calm down, settled the boys and get back to our sleeping bags, and guess who drives up?!?
Yep, the youth leader!!! We pounced on him!
"Where the hell did you go?"
"I went to get help."
"Well, where the hell are they??"
"I couldn't find anyone!"
"So why didn't you come back sooner!!"
We were all angry with him but didn't want things to escalate further in front of the kids, so with exasperated sighs we all went our separate ways to sleep.
After, at the most, four hours of sleep we awake to the dulcet sounds of ... girls shrieking! *Groan* Now what I think as a roll over and long to pull the sleeping bag over my head for another 12 hours.
"It's snowing!!" Their excited voices exclaim.
'You have to be F*ing kidding me!!!' I think grumpily to myself, last night was rain, fire, today snow, I want to go home NOW!!! Full of bitter resentment I drag myself out of my sleeping bag into the cold morning snow. I think I actually whimpered...
So as I slunk over to the far picnic table to huddle over a cup of instant coffee, the youth leader sits across from me. "Hey, what is that?" he says, pointing just over my shoulder. I turn around to look, and turn back to him sneering and trying my best not kill him with the daggers that are shooting out of my eyes.
"Oh, that?! That would be the 'fire ring' but who needs one of those anyway!" *Grrrr*
We were banned from the park - forever!
So to shed a little light on my adamant revulsion for sleeping outside I thought I would share some of my camping misadventures, this is part one.
Let us begin dear friends by setting the stage for you:
22 teenagers
4 chaperons (one of which was me, yes - scary I know)
1 youth leader (who had NEVER been camping before, I found this out later)
3 days in the wilds of West Virginia
Sure, noooo problem.
We start driving to West Virginia 2 hours off schedule, not a good start, but no worries. 2 vans of shouting teenagers for 6 hours, what could be a more relaxing drive. (No, of course that wasn't sarcastic) The rain was falling pretty heavy and so after 3 hours the first drivers were tired, so I took up one of the driving spots. Luckily I had driven vans before, since grandpa had always had them, so I thought 'no problem' - this is where my fun begins...
I was not prepared for a van full of screaming teenagers (that I was responsible for), in the pouring rain, driving on roads that were too narrow for two cars (two small cars-mind you) to go by each other, going up and down steep mountain roads where you had to apply the brakes with the delicate touch of a brain surgeon to keep from sliding off the mountain. By the time we reached the camp site I was white knuckled on the steering wheel, that probably still has the imprints of my fingers wrapped around it. Never in my life have I had a more stressful drive.
We drive into the camping area where there are two large, ridiculously painted...wait for it...
tepees.
*sigh*
You have to be joking! (for those of you who may not know me, I am Cherokee to some unknown percentage...adopted, no record) and do my best to NOT buy into ludicrous stereotypical places, such as this. Ugh.
Now if the fact that these were absolutely hideous structures was not enough, they were also mounted on huge cement slabs, so we go from camping on the soft ground, to sleeping in a travesty of native american paraphernalia on concrete...g-r-e-a-t!!! And to make it better, because apparently they wanted the tepees to be 'authentic' they have holes in the tops. So they are completely wet on the inside, my joy and enthusiasm for this trip was just getting better and better...(what? you don't believe me...good!!) Someone should have mentioned to them that the only reason for the fricking hole at the top was so that the smoke from the fire you were supposed to have going, could escape. If you aren't going to be building a fire, no need for the hole guys!
We all pile out of the vans and begin to unload, watching carefully that the girls tepee and the boys tepee's do not suddenly become 'co-ed' and get everyone settled. The rain is blissfully beginning to let up, which means that we should be able to setup some food and potentially have a campfire and marshmallows before shuffling the kids to bed.
We locate the campfire area and there is a mildly dug out pit that it is obvious others had used for fires recently, perfect, there was even a small wire rack, which was more than I was expecting. I look over at the youth leader,
"So where is the fire ring? Do you see one?"
"Isn't this it?" he replies.
"No, it is a tall metal ring that goes around this to keep the fire from spreading if there is wind." I spoke very patiently.
"Oh, there is no wind and with all this rain, that would never happen."
Famous last words...And he proceeds to start putting down the charcoal and logs to start the fire. "That is not a good idea without the fire ring..." I cautioned again and kept looking around for it in the dark. He over-ruled my concern and within minutes we had a roaring fire. Now, I must admit, given my complete dislike of cold weather of any kind (again, why did I choose to chaperon??? I
was to ask myself this question many more times over the next few days) that the fire felt wonderful, truly.
Everyone gathered around and grilled hot dogs, marshmallows, etc. Another small snag in our excursion, I was a vegetarian at this time, and had not had the foresight to pack my own food. Which meant very little to choose from for eating...so tonight's meal...a hot dog bun and marshmallows. I may not be a very big person but I can eat, a lot. Needless to say, this was no where near enough for me and I ended up being a little out of sorts with myself over forgetting to bring real food. (meaning Cheetos, of course ...
We all sit around chatting for a bit and then begin shuffling the kids off to the bathrooms (side note here, the bathrooms were maybe 150 yards away from the lovely tepees) and since the girls were not allowed to go by themselves, we had to walk with them...about 30 times. Excellent!! So now I have gone from mildly hungry to ravenous, and if you know me you will know that I am not my normal sweet self when I get hungry. And if you do not know me, let me describe: Me normally, docile - sweet - and demure as a church mouse...ok, fine - stop laughing, but still at least I am mostly nice and only slightly feisty. Me hungry, imagine a mother polar bear that has just had her cubs stolen and she catches up to the creature that has them...and then you are about half way there.
So I go in search of food from the van, since the hot dog buns are gone and there is just no way that I can consume another marshmallow. I have yet to see such a fine selection of meat products in my life. There were hot dogs, vienna sausages, deli turkey and ham, cans of chicken soup, chili, and beef stew...even the 'junk food' was meat - he brought pork rinds! (big sigh) So no food. Fine, at least everyone was getting ready for bed so I could ignore my hunger if I could just get some sleep.
Another chaperon and I opted to sleep outside, in-between the two tepees so that any late night attempts at sneaking into the girls tent would be thwarted by them tripping over us. The wind had picked up quite a bit, leaves were blowing over and around us but it was overall not completely unpleasant. So just as we lay down, I see just a flicker out of the corner of my eye...I turn my head staring intently...was that what I thought it was?
I look - I wait.
Nothing, ok, I must have imagined it. I go to lay down, adjust my pillow and catch the 'flicker' again. Okay, something is up. I poke the other chaperon say, "I think something just flickered, look." We both stare into the night in the general direction of where the campfire had been earlier.
Flicker (uh-oh)
Flicker - we start scrambling out of our sleeping bags
FLOOSH!!! OH SHIT!!!!
The fire had gotten restarted by the wind and had been spreading under the leaves unseen and then WOOSH! It was everywhere!!! We started running over to try and put it out. We had a tiny amount of water left from the hot dogs that I reached for and poured on as much as I could...not helping! The wind kept spreading the flames just as we had stomped 6 out - 12 popped up. I run to the boys tent where the youth leader was sleeping...pot still in hand...flames rising behind me...adrenaline and panic rising inside me.
"Fire! We need help - get up." - I yell
Nothing.
"Fire! We need help - get up!!!" - I yell louder this time.
Nothing.
Fire is ALL behind me, I can feel the heat on my back now.
Here is where I became grateful of the concrete slab, realizing that I still have the hot dog pot in my hands, I start slamming it on the concrete and screaming at the top of my lungs!
"FIRE!!! GET UP!!!"
Swish!!! 4 boys come flying out of the tepee, literally doing peter pan style leaps. See the fire and well, since it was a church trip, I just will let you guess what they said. They charge into help and I have never been more happy for youthful, testosterone driven, feelings of immortality!! Then the youth leader comes out, his jaw drops, he turns white, says nothing, runs to a van, and drives away...
I was stunned...and just stared after him...in complete and utter disbelief...stammering softly.
The commotion behind me shook me out of my shock, and I turned to see the fire was starting to catch on the trees and was wrapping around the legs of the picnic table, that had all the canisters of fuel on them. The next 10 seconds slowed down to what felt like a year as I started moving - as if through molasses trying to get to the fuel canisters before the fire did...all the while hearing the music from the 'Bionic Man" in my head as I moved... (nah nah nah nah...)
Whew, made it! I picked up all the canisters as the flames started licking at the base of the closest fuel bottle!
And that is when the night really got weird...
What?? yep, exactly :)
So we are stomping out the fire as best we can, picking up dirt in our hands and throwing it on the fire (in my case, using the pot to put out the flames) when, out of no where, two guys with lights on their heads and shovels, coming running into our campsite...by now about 50 square feet is burning at various levels, I send 2 of the our group off for water with the biggest pots we could find, but it really was the magical (come from thin air) lighted shovel guys that turned the tide in our favor. After somewhere around 45 min. to an hour we had the entire fire out and were slumped at the picnic table, with the boys wired as all get out and all of us chaperons REALLY wanting a beer.
And somehow through all of this chaos, and shouting, none of the girls woke up!!! And to be brutally honest, shocking of me I know, I am so glad they didn't because a group of screaming panicky girls might have just pushed me over the teetering brink that I was already on!
Slowly we all started to calm down, settled the boys and get back to our sleeping bags, and guess who drives up?!?
Yep, the youth leader!!! We pounced on him!
"Where the hell did you go?"
"I went to get help."
"Well, where the hell are they??"
"I couldn't find anyone!"
"So why didn't you come back sooner!!"
We were all angry with him but didn't want things to escalate further in front of the kids, so with exasperated sighs we all went our separate ways to sleep.
After, at the most, four hours of sleep we awake to the dulcet sounds of ... girls shrieking! *Groan* Now what I think as a roll over and long to pull the sleeping bag over my head for another 12 hours.
"It's snowing!!" Their excited voices exclaim.
'You have to be F*ing kidding me!!!' I think grumpily to myself, last night was rain, fire, today snow, I want to go home NOW!!! Full of bitter resentment I drag myself out of my sleeping bag into the cold morning snow. I think I actually whimpered...
So as I slunk over to the far picnic table to huddle over a cup of instant coffee, the youth leader sits across from me. "Hey, what is that?" he says, pointing just over my shoulder. I turn around to look, and turn back to him sneering and trying my best not kill him with the daggers that are shooting out of my eyes.
"Oh, that?! That would be the 'fire ring' but who needs one of those anyway!" *Grrrr*
We were banned from the park - forever!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
tremors
I always thought I was pretty calm and cool in the face of adversity, a challenge, the unexpected. But I totally lost it at the hands of a 5.9 earthquake that passed through our area yesterday.
The building that I work in is often rattled a little by heavy trucks that roll by, or planes that fly low, etc. so when the shaking started, I was thinking to myself, "wow, that is a really BIG truck"!
But, it didn't stop rattling and it was getting worse! The whole building was shaking...oh Sh*t!!
I have never been in an earthquake before and I had ABSOLUTELY no clue what to do...at all. I was glued to my chair in abject fear. (not something I am particularly proud of...wow, epic fail!!) and I was sitting by the window (apparently an earthquake no-no). Luckily some of the people in my office did have some idea what to do and yelled for me to come stand in the doorway till the quake subsided. The adrenaline that poured (like the hoover dam exploded kind of poured) into my blood stream was so powerful that not only was the building shaking but I was shaking...so badly that when the quake had ended I had to ask someone if the building was still moving or if it was just me!! (yeah, super show of courage!) I think perhaps I should rethink sky-diving... but i digress (as usual) ... so I am shaking worse than the building was 30 seconds ago, sweat is trickling down my back, I am freezing cold, pale white, and I am not entirely sure how long it took me to breath again. Way to go 'miss cool under pressure'!!
Now, here is the part that I really didn't understand - we all went outside, but people stood on the sidewalk - right next to the building...and I am thinking 'if we thought that the building wasn't safe to be IN, then why would people think it is safe enough to be BESIDE?'
yeah, still trying to figure that out...
Our group went to a field across the street, but I must admit that it felt no safer given that the buildings in the area were all within toppling distance of the field that we were standing in, I think our evacuation plans needs a little tweaking - hmmm... (sarcasm ... me? never!)
We were all on our cell phones writing friends and family (like the other 300 million people who felt the quake), and making sure that they were all ok (which took an hour because of the afore mention 300 million other people doing the same thing)...and then with what was close to fire drill precision, after a certain amount of time, the entire crowd seemed to feel they had waited long enough and shuffled back inside. I looked at my co-workers, still pale and still shaking from the shot of panic that my body was experiencing, 'how do they KNOW it is ok' I asked, they shrugged their shoulders and began walking in as well...ummm...ok, I guess we all die together then :(
Given that walking and I are not buddies to begin with, the 3 pints worth of adrenaline that got dumped into my system, was making it almost impossible for me to be mobile at all and to be honest I would have been perfectly happy to have just laid down in the field for a bit. Because now the uncontrollable feeling of nausea is sweeping over me, for two reasons ...1) yes there was an earthquake, but far more anxiety filled than that was 2) the thought of going back into the building and having it fall around me, and I would be
stuck!
trapped!
buried alive!
or squashed!!!
Oh, God...I can feel the blood drain from my face as I write this, I am slightly claustrophobic on a normal day and this was NOT a normal day!!! I did not want to go in, or get in the elevator...at all! Because all that was running through my mind was scene from a horror movie where the woman is going to step on to the elevator and the doors close on her and the elevator drops and she is cut in half!!!! It is highly possible that at this point, if you can believe it, that I was close to over-reacting?
ok - perhaps I was over-reacting is a better choice?
yes, ok fine - I was definietly over-reacting!!!
And since I was in full on panic and as my regular readers know, I have no poker face, the look of sheer terror on my face as we got on the elevator had even the office manager worried about me and offering me water. Not to put to fine a point on it, but I don't want water right now...I want vodka!!! (no, I did not say that, but oh boy did I think it)
So thus was my brave and courageous brush with a natural disaster, nothing like massive movements in the earth's crust to remind me to be humble and grateful, and possibly to invest in Valium.
The building that I work in is often rattled a little by heavy trucks that roll by, or planes that fly low, etc. so when the shaking started, I was thinking to myself, "wow, that is a really BIG truck"!
But, it didn't stop rattling and it was getting worse! The whole building was shaking...oh Sh*t!!
I have never been in an earthquake before and I had ABSOLUTELY no clue what to do...at all. I was glued to my chair in abject fear. (not something I am particularly proud of...wow, epic fail!!) and I was sitting by the window (apparently an earthquake no-no). Luckily some of the people in my office did have some idea what to do and yelled for me to come stand in the doorway till the quake subsided. The adrenaline that poured (like the hoover dam exploded kind of poured) into my blood stream was so powerful that not only was the building shaking but I was shaking...so badly that when the quake had ended I had to ask someone if the building was still moving or if it was just me!! (yeah, super show of courage!) I think perhaps I should rethink sky-diving... but i digress (as usual) ... so I am shaking worse than the building was 30 seconds ago, sweat is trickling down my back, I am freezing cold, pale white, and I am not entirely sure how long it took me to breath again. Way to go 'miss cool under pressure'!!
Now, here is the part that I really didn't understand - we all went outside, but people stood on the sidewalk - right next to the building...and I am thinking 'if we thought that the building wasn't safe to be IN, then why would people think it is safe enough to be BESIDE?'
yeah, still trying to figure that out...
Our group went to a field across the street, but I must admit that it felt no safer given that the buildings in the area were all within toppling distance of the field that we were standing in, I think our evacuation plans needs a little tweaking - hmmm... (sarcasm ... me? never!)
We were all on our cell phones writing friends and family (like the other 300 million people who felt the quake), and making sure that they were all ok (which took an hour because of the afore mention 300 million other people doing the same thing)...and then with what was close to fire drill precision, after a certain amount of time, the entire crowd seemed to feel they had waited long enough and shuffled back inside. I looked at my co-workers, still pale and still shaking from the shot of panic that my body was experiencing, 'how do they KNOW it is ok' I asked, they shrugged their shoulders and began walking in as well...ummm...ok, I guess we all die together then :(
Given that walking and I are not buddies to begin with, the 3 pints worth of adrenaline that got dumped into my system, was making it almost impossible for me to be mobile at all and to be honest I would have been perfectly happy to have just laid down in the field for a bit. Because now the uncontrollable feeling of nausea is sweeping over me, for two reasons ...1) yes there was an earthquake, but far more anxiety filled than that was 2) the thought of going back into the building and having it fall around me, and I would be
stuck!
trapped!
buried alive!
or squashed!!!
Oh, God...I can feel the blood drain from my face as I write this, I am slightly claustrophobic on a normal day and this was NOT a normal day!!! I did not want to go in, or get in the elevator...at all! Because all that was running through my mind was scene from a horror movie where the woman is going to step on to the elevator and the doors close on her and the elevator drops and she is cut in half!!!! It is highly possible that at this point, if you can believe it, that I was close to over-reacting?
ok - perhaps I was over-reacting is a better choice?
yes, ok fine - I was definietly over-reacting!!!
And since I was in full on panic and as my regular readers know, I have no poker face, the look of sheer terror on my face as we got on the elevator had even the office manager worried about me and offering me water. Not to put to fine a point on it, but I don't want water right now...I want vodka!!! (no, I did not say that, but oh boy did I think it)
So thus was my brave and courageous brush with a natural disaster, nothing like massive movements in the earth's crust to remind me to be humble and grateful, and possibly to invest in Valium.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
musings from the dating impaired - part 4
translation please... (a mini guide to pick-up / break-up lines and what they actually mean)
1. line - "well, i am sort of separated..."
translation - i am still married
2. line - "i feel like we have such a strong connection"
translation - i want to get into your pants before the end of the night
3. line - "sure... (pause) i like kids..."
translation - as long as they are not mine and you don't have any either
4. line - "it is not you, it's me"
translation - nope, it is so definitely YOU!
5. line - "my lifestyle isn't conducive to dating right now"
translation - i am already seeing other people and i am too cowardly to tell you
6. line - "i can't get over my ex"
translation - i am never going to commit to you, but we can still sleep together...right?
7. line - "i just need some space for a while..."
translation - you are suffocating me and it sounds better than "it is not you, it's me"
8. line - "you are going to text me right?"
translation - never going to happen, just say goodbye now, if you have to ask it is already over
9. line - "i just want you to be happy"
translation - i don't care if you are happy i just need to get away from you...far - far - away
10. line - "i hope that we can be friends"
translation - i only say that because i am dumping you, if you were dumping me i would never talk to you again
11. line - "it is just not working for me"
translation - i don't want to try anymore
12. line - "i don't want to hurt you"
translation - i know i will / i will be dumping you in a week / see translation #6
1. line - "well, i am sort of separated..."
translation - i am still married
2. line - "i feel like we have such a strong connection"
translation - i want to get into your pants before the end of the night
3. line - "sure... (pause) i like kids..."
translation - as long as they are not mine and you don't have any either
4. line - "it is not you, it's me"
translation - nope, it is so definitely YOU!
5. line - "my lifestyle isn't conducive to dating right now"
translation - i am already seeing other people and i am too cowardly to tell you
6. line - "i can't get over my ex"
translation - i am never going to commit to you, but we can still sleep together...right?
7. line - "i just need some space for a while..."
translation - you are suffocating me and it sounds better than "it is not you, it's me"
8. line - "you are going to text me right?"
translation - never going to happen, just say goodbye now, if you have to ask it is already over
9. line - "i just want you to be happy"
translation - i don't care if you are happy i just need to get away from you...far - far - away
10. line - "i hope that we can be friends"
translation - i only say that because i am dumping you, if you were dumping me i would never talk to you again
11. line - "it is just not working for me"
translation - i don't want to try anymore
12. line - "i don't want to hurt you"
translation - i know i will / i will be dumping you in a week / see translation #6
Thursday, July 14, 2011
why nice guys finish best
For all of my guy friends who complain that nice guys finish last...
I will respectfully disagree.
First of all, let's define a 'nice' guy and not mistake 'nice' for a push-over or doormat (because nobody should be those things...oh yeah, I know it has possibly happened a time or two but, ideally not). Nice, or so I see it and since this is my blog, my rules... :) ... is about being kind, compassionate, strong, self-confident, having convictions (no I don't mean a criminal record...), a giving nature, just a little dash of scoundrel, and a sense of humor. (I find this last one extremely
important, given the magnitude of times I have made mistakes, both major and minor in my life...without it it becomes almost impossible to see life with a sense of light-heartedness and forgiveness).
Whereas, the 'bad' boy - while temporarily irresistible - is in truth, remarkably flat in character and depth...and what you see is all you get. Compared to the 'nice' guy who shines brighter the more you get to know him because there is more complexity.
So now that we have defined it, I think we should look at the quintessential 'nice' guy:
Han Solo.
WHAT?!?
I can hear everyone saying, well I shall explain (and just because one has the outward shell of a rebel, doesn't mean that they don't have the heart of a nice guy!!) Nice guys have such a bad rap that no one wants to be one, so sometimes you have to look past a disguise or two to find it.
Anyway, back to Han Solo:
1. kind - he saves Chewie from a war torn planet
2. compassionate - gives Lando the Millennium Falcon so that he can actually survive the attack on the death star
3. strong - survives being frozen in carbonite, when, let's face it, a lesser man would have failed
4. self-confident - well, anyone who could still be alive after flying around the universe in a "bucket-of-bolts" is pretty cock-sure
5. convictions - he supports his friends and the rebel alliance, and fights the bad guys head on
6. giving nature - shares the credit for saving Endor with the Ewoks (the biggest single dastardly annoying creatures in the trilogy, but not the point here...)
7. dash of scoundrel - well this one is obvious but Leia, Leia, and oh yeah - Leia / plus he won the Falcon off his friend in a card game!
8. sense of humor - no one without one would actually fly into an asteroid field!
But, wait - you say.
He is a fictional movie character, that is not anything close to real life.
True - I would answer, but it is the qualities that we are looking at here, not just the events...these could easily be transferred to events of nice men that I know.
1. kind - my friend who has a rescue kitty
2. compassionate - my friend who lends an ear to listen to another that he doesn't know because he needs support
3. strong - several of my friends, who as single fathers, have raised beautiful children
4. self-confident - my friends who remain true to themselves in the face of adversity
5. convictions - friends who fight for the rights of others, still open the door for a lady, or give a helping hand to someone in need
6. giving nature - my friends and family who volunteer their time and energy to lift up others
7. dash of scoundrel - :) (pbp, bandit kissers, wolves, vampires, satan - you know who you are and I am just going to say, yeah, they have it)
8. sense of humor - well, they hang out with me, so they have to have one :) hahaha!
This is why the nice guys finish best, because they know how to be men and friends and still keep the spice of life alive.
This is why we love them and cherish them.
So to all of the wonderful 'nice' men in my life - my grandfather, father, brother, son, and friends - thank you!!
I will respectfully disagree.
First of all, let's define a 'nice' guy and not mistake 'nice' for a push-over or doormat (because nobody should be those things...oh yeah, I know it has possibly happened a time or two but, ideally not). Nice, or so I see it and since this is my blog, my rules... :) ... is about being kind, compassionate, strong, self-confident, having convictions (no I don't mean a criminal record...), a giving nature, just a little dash of scoundrel, and a sense of humor. (I find this last one extremely
important, given the magnitude of times I have made mistakes, both major and minor in my life...without it it becomes almost impossible to see life with a sense of light-heartedness and forgiveness).
Whereas, the 'bad' boy - while temporarily irresistible - is in truth, remarkably flat in character and depth...and what you see is all you get. Compared to the 'nice' guy who shines brighter the more you get to know him because there is more complexity.
So now that we have defined it, I think we should look at the quintessential 'nice' guy:
Han Solo.
WHAT?!?
I can hear everyone saying, well I shall explain (and just because one has the outward shell of a rebel, doesn't mean that they don't have the heart of a nice guy!!) Nice guys have such a bad rap that no one wants to be one, so sometimes you have to look past a disguise or two to find it.
Anyway, back to Han Solo:
1. kind - he saves Chewie from a war torn planet
2. compassionate - gives Lando the Millennium Falcon so that he can actually survive the attack on the death star
3. strong - survives being frozen in carbonite, when, let's face it, a lesser man would have failed
4. self-confident - well, anyone who could still be alive after flying around the universe in a "bucket-of-bolts" is pretty cock-sure
5. convictions - he supports his friends and the rebel alliance, and fights the bad guys head on
6. giving nature - shares the credit for saving Endor with the Ewoks (the biggest single dastardly annoying creatures in the trilogy, but not the point here...)
7. dash of scoundrel - well this one is obvious but Leia, Leia, and oh yeah - Leia / plus he won the Falcon off his friend in a card game!
8. sense of humor - no one without one would actually fly into an asteroid field!
But, wait - you say.
He is a fictional movie character, that is not anything close to real life.
True - I would answer, but it is the qualities that we are looking at here, not just the events...these could easily be transferred to events of nice men that I know.
1. kind - my friend who has a rescue kitty
2. compassionate - my friend who lends an ear to listen to another that he doesn't know because he needs support
3. strong - several of my friends, who as single fathers, have raised beautiful children
4. self-confident - my friends who remain true to themselves in the face of adversity
5. convictions - friends who fight for the rights of others, still open the door for a lady, or give a helping hand to someone in need
6. giving nature - my friends and family who volunteer their time and energy to lift up others
7. dash of scoundrel - :) (pbp, bandit kissers, wolves, vampires, satan - you know who you are and I am just going to say, yeah, they have it)
8. sense of humor - well, they hang out with me, so they have to have one :) hahaha!
This is why the nice guys finish best, because they know how to be men and friends and still keep the spice of life alive.
This is why we love them and cherish them.
So to all of the wonderful 'nice' men in my life - my grandfather, father, brother, son, and friends - thank you!!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
for rusty
To Rusty and all of us who loved her.
I found out the most wonderful woman in my life died recently.
She was my theater teacher in high school and she coached me all through college. She had a capacity for love, genuine care, and kick-your-ass if you needed it that was beyond compare. Had it not been for her and the open armed acceptance I found in her stern nurturing and relentless support I would have never survived high school and some of the later tramas of college and life.
She never turned anyone away - ever, she took in every stray and lonely soul and found a place for each and everyone of us...from the shy lad from Guatemala to the 225 pound jock who needed an art credit. Her magic was her love for life, she brought a whirling dervish of energy and life fully lived to every day.
I slept in the theater, at her house, she fed me, loved me, yelled at me when I deserved it - and does anyone NOT remember those damn keys!!!
She was the first person in my in my life to believe in me, to tell me that I could do anything I wanted without restraint. She was the first to teach me to take risks, how to really live, and to listen and follow my heart. I can not even imagine what my life would have looked like if she hadn't been in it...she altered it so completely and wonderfully. She would tell stories to encourage us and in her soft way let us know that she had done it and seen it all. ( so if we thought that we were going to get away with anything...think again! ) It was a family she created in that theater, amongst seats, curtains, lights, and make-up...with all of its ups and downs, good and bad times and the 'oh, shit ALL of the lights just went out!'
I have never met anyone who radiated joy of living more and acceptance of all of those around us. She fought for us, pushed us, loved us, and will continue to shine through all of the lives she touched.
Thank you darling friend and teacher, I am forever grateful.
I found out the most wonderful woman in my life died recently.
She was my theater teacher in high school and she coached me all through college. She had a capacity for love, genuine care, and kick-your-ass if you needed it that was beyond compare. Had it not been for her and the open armed acceptance I found in her stern nurturing and relentless support I would have never survived high school and some of the later tramas of college and life.
She never turned anyone away - ever, she took in every stray and lonely soul and found a place for each and everyone of us...from the shy lad from Guatemala to the 225 pound jock who needed an art credit. Her magic was her love for life, she brought a whirling dervish of energy and life fully lived to every day.
I slept in the theater, at her house, she fed me, loved me, yelled at me when I deserved it - and does anyone NOT remember those damn keys!!!
She was the first person in my in my life to believe in me, to tell me that I could do anything I wanted without restraint. She was the first to teach me to take risks, how to really live, and to listen and follow my heart. I can not even imagine what my life would have looked like if she hadn't been in it...she altered it so completely and wonderfully. She would tell stories to encourage us and in her soft way let us know that she had done it and seen it all. ( so if we thought that we were going to get away with anything...think again! ) It was a family she created in that theater, amongst seats, curtains, lights, and make-up...with all of its ups and downs, good and bad times and the 'oh, shit ALL of the lights just went out!'
I have never met anyone who radiated joy of living more and acceptance of all of those around us. She fought for us, pushed us, loved us, and will continue to shine through all of the lives she touched.
Thank you darling friend and teacher, I am forever grateful.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
impulsive, me - why yes!
To quote my favorite blogger, "Impulsivity breeds adventure." - Allie Brosh
Because most of my life runs on this premise - I am sure it will come as no surprise to any of you who know me, that this quote is very near and dear to my heart. (there is the occasional - impulsivity breeds misadventure - as well, luckily this was not one of those times) I so often jump in feet first and then as an after thought decide to ponder, 'hmmm - I wonder if there is water in the pool'. I have attempted, in the not too distant past, to be level-headed, plan, and 'act-my-age' but that doesn't seem to work out either, so I figure why fight it!
So, I met this guy ... don't all the best stories start out this way :)
I will reduce 4 hours of texting ... (yes, I did say 4 hours-yikes) ... and well ... (wink, wink - you know) into a few short lines and to spare us both, I shall paraphrase.
him - "would you like to get together?"
me - "i can't i am with my friend, what about tomorrow?"
him - "i can't i am riding tomorrow"
me - "you have a bike too, that is hot - i love riding, when are we going?" (notice the very subtle way that I invited myself - classic!)
him - "how about after i am done with work today, be ready when i call"
me - "if i don't have plans already then sure, i won't wait for you"
him - "you won't wait for me eh? well how about before i go to work"
me - "of course not, would you want a woman who would? ;) sure that sounds good, see you then"
True, a very abridged version, but the point being that mere hours after meeting this person, that I have never met before, I agree to go on a motorcycle ride with him. After several minutes of giddy excitement, because I do really love to ride, I get to thinking...
hmmm, you know I don't know this guy at all...
I only trusted him because he was talking to my friend...
What if I go with him and he kidnaps me...
we wreck...
You must agree with me that the fact that self preservation kicked in last among my thoughts when presented with a motorcycle ride is, well, ok - fine - crazy!!
In a rare moment of thoughtfulness I texted my friend and sent - his name, phone #, and where he worked, just in case I vanished. With a note saying, 'if u don' hear from me by tomorrow, here is his information'. I am going to admit that this was a unique burst of foresight on my part.
He arrives, and we get through the brief, hey - how are yous and set out to his bike...a beautiful big Harley, orange with black saddle bags - fabulous, it is very possible that I was drooling. (over the bike! the bike! - sheesh!) I hop on the back which even has a seat back (that I will be gripping - whiteknuckled - in less than 30 seconds. What? Just because I am impulsive doesn't always mean I am brave) - completely grinning from ear to ear, he helps me with a helmet and then it happens...
the 'oh shit, what am I doing!!' sink in the pit of your stomach.
And given that I have absolutely no poker face what-so-ever (I really need to work on that!), I look up at him wide-eyed and say, 'it has been a while since i have ridden...' and before I can I finish he smirks and says '... so be gentle with you?' - sexual innuendo blatantly apparent, then leans down and kisses me. Easily one of the sexier moments in my recent memory...sigh...and what do I do...in my true, sexy, oh - so - cool, fashion i ... burst out laughing.
Yep, go me!! So much for sexy kitten, turns out I am closer to a six year old on the carousel for the first time - ugh.
He starts the engine and the fluctuation for me between, panic gripping fear and complete exhilaration was making me both flushed and then pale within in nanoseconds of each other - it is probably a miracle that I didn't pass out...the adrenaline rush was intoxicating! It took me easily 5 minutes into the ride to start to be able to relax (and stop praying that I would survive...it was a rather long litany at first of:
'dear god what am i doing,
i am totally insane,
why the hell do i always do this crazy shit!
wow, isn't this awesome!!
the wind feels so great
nothing around you
rats, I wish I had a jacket if I fall off I am screwed
I hope we don't wreck, my son will kill me - well, if i am not dead already
dear god what am i doing...[repeat])
but he was an excellent driver and I could tell was driving more cautiously just so that he wouldn't scare the crap out of me.
Then euphoria set it and it was glorious! I was so deliciously happy, I leaned forward - kissed his check - and told him thank you for such a wonderful time. The sun was perfect, the sky was clear and blue with fluffy white clouds dotting the horizon, the wind whooshing past us, the feel of the road, my arm around the driver (and one still gripping the back of the seat, I wasn't that euphoric, haha), the smell of the grass and trees and spring flowers, there is just nothing like it!! When you lean into a turn and the feel of the road....Mmmm...heaven, simply heaven. And I remember thinking as we spirited along and my heart was literally two sizes bigger at that instant in time with this overwhelming feeling of happiness, this moment of joy, freedom, risk, love of living, vanquishing fear, and being present in the ephemeral 'now' - this is why I do these crazy things. Because without these moments of throwing caution to the wind, letting your spirit soar, doing something that probably even scares the sh*t out of you - what are we living for?
It was arguably the best thing I could have done for myself that day (and honestly, the best thing that has happened to me in many months), it reopened my perspective, reminded me what I cherish most about myself, let months of stress and turmoil melt away, relite the spark that was sorely in danger of going out, and even brought me a little closer to god (hehe)...
So, sky diving anyone?? :)
Because most of my life runs on this premise - I am sure it will come as no surprise to any of you who know me, that this quote is very near and dear to my heart. (there is the occasional - impulsivity breeds misadventure - as well, luckily this was not one of those times) I so often jump in feet first and then as an after thought decide to ponder, 'hmmm - I wonder if there is water in the pool'. I have attempted, in the not too distant past, to be level-headed, plan, and 'act-my-age' but that doesn't seem to work out either, so I figure why fight it!
So, I met this guy ... don't all the best stories start out this way :)
I will reduce 4 hours of texting ... (yes, I did say 4 hours-yikes) ... and well ... (wink, wink - you know) into a few short lines and to spare us both, I shall paraphrase.
him - "would you like to get together?"
me - "i can't i am with my friend, what about tomorrow?"
him - "i can't i am riding tomorrow"
me - "you have a bike too, that is hot - i love riding, when are we going?" (notice the very subtle way that I invited myself - classic!)
him - "how about after i am done with work today, be ready when i call"
me - "if i don't have plans already then sure, i won't wait for you"
him - "you won't wait for me eh? well how about before i go to work"
me - "of course not, would you want a woman who would? ;) sure that sounds good, see you then"
True, a very abridged version, but the point being that mere hours after meeting this person, that I have never met before, I agree to go on a motorcycle ride with him. After several minutes of giddy excitement, because I do really love to ride, I get to thinking...
hmmm, you know I don't know this guy at all...
I only trusted him because he was talking to my friend...
What if I go with him and he kidnaps me...
we wreck...
he kills me...
You must agree with me that the fact that self preservation kicked in last among my thoughts when presented with a motorcycle ride is, well, ok - fine - crazy!!
In a rare moment of thoughtfulness I texted my friend and sent - his name, phone #, and where he worked, just in case I vanished. With a note saying, 'if u don' hear from me by tomorrow, here is his information'. I am going to admit that this was a unique burst of foresight on my part.
He arrives, and we get through the brief, hey - how are yous and set out to his bike...a beautiful big Harley, orange with black saddle bags - fabulous, it is very possible that I was drooling. (over the bike! the bike! - sheesh!) I hop on the back which even has a seat back (that I will be gripping - whiteknuckled - in less than 30 seconds. What? Just because I am impulsive doesn't always mean I am brave) - completely grinning from ear to ear, he helps me with a helmet and then it happens...
the 'oh shit, what am I doing!!' sink in the pit of your stomach.
And given that I have absolutely no poker face what-so-ever (I really need to work on that!), I look up at him wide-eyed and say, 'it has been a while since i have ridden...' and before I can I finish he smirks and says '... so be gentle with you?' - sexual innuendo blatantly apparent, then leans down and kisses me. Easily one of the sexier moments in my recent memory...sigh...and what do I do...in my true, sexy, oh - so - cool, fashion i ... burst out laughing.
Yep, go me!! So much for sexy kitten, turns out I am closer to a six year old on the carousel for the first time - ugh.
He starts the engine and the fluctuation for me between, panic gripping fear and complete exhilaration was making me both flushed and then pale within in nanoseconds of each other - it is probably a miracle that I didn't pass out...the adrenaline rush was intoxicating! It took me easily 5 minutes into the ride to start to be able to relax (and stop praying that I would survive...it was a rather long litany at first of:
'dear god what am i doing,
i am totally insane,
why the hell do i always do this crazy shit!
wow, isn't this awesome!!
the wind feels so great
nothing around you
rats, I wish I had a jacket if I fall off I am screwed
I hope we don't wreck, my son will kill me - well, if i am not dead already
dear god what am i doing...[repeat])
but he was an excellent driver and I could tell was driving more cautiously just so that he wouldn't scare the crap out of me.
Then euphoria set it and it was glorious! I was so deliciously happy, I leaned forward - kissed his check - and told him thank you for such a wonderful time. The sun was perfect, the sky was clear and blue with fluffy white clouds dotting the horizon, the wind whooshing past us, the feel of the road, my arm around the driver (and one still gripping the back of the seat, I wasn't that euphoric, haha), the smell of the grass and trees and spring flowers, there is just nothing like it!! When you lean into a turn and the feel of the road....Mmmm...heaven, simply heaven. And I remember thinking as we spirited along and my heart was literally two sizes bigger at that instant in time with this overwhelming feeling of happiness, this moment of joy, freedom, risk, love of living, vanquishing fear, and being present in the ephemeral 'now' - this is why I do these crazy things. Because without these moments of throwing caution to the wind, letting your spirit soar, doing something that probably even scares the sh*t out of you - what are we living for?
It was arguably the best thing I could have done for myself that day (and honestly, the best thing that has happened to me in many months), it reopened my perspective, reminded me what I cherish most about myself, let months of stress and turmoil melt away, relite the spark that was sorely in danger of going out, and even brought me a little closer to god (hehe)...
So, sky diving anyone?? :)
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
bandit kissers
So, a little descriptive of me; I am small, ok just plain short, sort of walk like a penguin (description given to my unusual gate in high school), can never do anything with my hair so it is usually up and out of the way, and have the shape of a pre-pubescent boy. The only thing that I truly have going for me is that I smile a lot and have a sense of humor.
Now with that back story out of the way I have to admit to being puzzled (and yes, truth be told...flattered) that twice in my life I have been singled out by what I am going to affectionately call 'bandit kissers'.
The first time I was sitting alone finishing a glass of wine and writing at a small Irish pub - the man walked in and ordered a drink, looked over at me and just walked over and kissed me...like 'really' kissed me. I didn't know him - had never seen him before, nothing. I have to admit, it was a pretty darn good kiss, made better by the shear spontaneousness of it. I burst out laughing (my standard reaction to totally awkward and unexpected events) when he pulled away, which probably did little to help his ego - but it was so completely shocking and refreshingly bold. The surprised bartender and I looked at each other and he just raised an eyebrow and the man was asked to leave. But he still gets points.
However, the second (third, fourth, and fifth) time it happened - I put it this way because oddly enough it is the same man who keeps doing it, was altogether different. I absolutely think next time he should wear a cape and mask to add to the mystery. I was outside of another Irish pub...hmmm...maybe I shouldn't go to Irish pubs anymore (or perhaps I should try some new ones-haha!). Anyway, this man I know through a friend of mine, so while we are not strangers I certainly have never witnessed him do this before. He walks up, doesn't even say 'hi' when I said hello to him, takes my face in his hands and plants a kiss on me with a good 3 second hold time, pulls away, smiles, and walks inside - without a word!! Again my reaction was the same...burst out laughing - followed by a WTF text to our mutual friend!! Now it has become his tradition to surprise me with a kiss, I use the term surprise because I never know if he is going to do it or not and it would appear that he has such a capacity for random behavior that it takes me completely off guard every single time.
In conclusion, here is to the 'bandit kissers' out there, it is bold, swashbuckling, and utterly disarming (provided you do it well), and in a world where men now go to spas, have dogs the size of the average squirrel, and are forced to examine their 'feminine' side (yikes, if I wanted that I would date women!!) - I raise my glass to you and say 'bravo'!!! (and also, blush a little) :)
Now with that back story out of the way I have to admit to being puzzled (and yes, truth be told...flattered) that twice in my life I have been singled out by what I am going to affectionately call 'bandit kissers'.
The first time I was sitting alone finishing a glass of wine and writing at a small Irish pub - the man walked in and ordered a drink, looked over at me and just walked over and kissed me...like 'really' kissed me. I didn't know him - had never seen him before, nothing. I have to admit, it was a pretty darn good kiss, made better by the shear spontaneousness of it. I burst out laughing (my standard reaction to totally awkward and unexpected events) when he pulled away, which probably did little to help his ego - but it was so completely shocking and refreshingly bold. The surprised bartender and I looked at each other and he just raised an eyebrow and the man was asked to leave. But he still gets points.
However, the second (third, fourth, and fifth) time it happened - I put it this way because oddly enough it is the same man who keeps doing it, was altogether different. I absolutely think next time he should wear a cape and mask to add to the mystery. I was outside of another Irish pub...hmmm...maybe I shouldn't go to Irish pubs anymore (or perhaps I should try some new ones-haha!). Anyway, this man I know through a friend of mine, so while we are not strangers I certainly have never witnessed him do this before. He walks up, doesn't even say 'hi' when I said hello to him, takes my face in his hands and plants a kiss on me with a good 3 second hold time, pulls away, smiles, and walks inside - without a word!! Again my reaction was the same...burst out laughing - followed by a WTF text to our mutual friend!! Now it has become his tradition to surprise me with a kiss, I use the term surprise because I never know if he is going to do it or not and it would appear that he has such a capacity for random behavior that it takes me completely off guard every single time.
In conclusion, here is to the 'bandit kissers' out there, it is bold, swashbuckling, and utterly disarming (provided you do it well), and in a world where men now go to spas, have dogs the size of the average squirrel, and are forced to examine their 'feminine' side (yikes, if I wanted that I would date women!!) - I raise my glass to you and say 'bravo'!!! (and also, blush a little) :)
Monday, May 23, 2011
downhill
As you all know from my "winter storm" story, I am not a fan of winter and I never have been. So what on earth possessed me to agree to go skiing I have no idea. My friend asked me to go and I was so reluctant that she decided to pay for my ski lesson if I went, so finally I relented, figuring if worse comes to worse at least I can go to the lodge and hide out by the fire. Now that I look back on it, I probably should have just gone straight to the lodge saved myself the rental fees, embarrassing flailings, and had a beer.
Everything started out nice enough, I met her at her house so that I could borrow some snow gear because at the time I had my 'artsy' clothes (capes, plumed hats, and kid gloves) but no real outdoor gear. She and I were almost the same size so it sounded perfect...until I saw what she was loaning me. She wasn't loaning me her clothes but clothes from her brother! So while she looked like a snow-bunny goddess, with tight gortex pants and matching cute waist-cut jacket, I resembled a baggy Michelin man in red. Not quite the look I was hoping for. So trying to look on the bright side of my clearly unattractive apparel I figured, well at least this way when I am rolling down the slopes I will have some padding.
Just as we were leaving her house the snow began to fall and what should have taken us two hours took four. So I had to dash through renting equipment and boot fittings to make it to the lesson. Keep in mind this is my first time ever on skis or in ski boots. So may I suggest that it would have been nice if I had been informed that ski boots look like normal boots, but really they pitch you forward and if you don't keep your knees bent when you stand up you end up toppling onto your face.
Which I did,
twice,
before I got the hang of it.
So right then I am thinking my chances of not breaking every bone in my body by the end of the day are not looking good if I have fallen twice before I am even on skis.
Tripping (but at least no more falling) every few feet or so I make my way over to the ski counter to get fitted - meanwhile my beautiful ski bunny goddess friend has already met a guy, started a conversation with him, and waved farewell to me - the other reason that I really didn't want to come. I knew she would do this, I just thought that it would take a little longer than 5 minutes. I was peeved, mostly because I was scared of dying, and she was leaving me, and they wouldn't find my body until the summer thaw, and there would be no one to feed my cat, and ... ok, stop - breath - you may be over-reacting...true. But still!!! Fine, I cheered myself by having delightful visions of myself gliding past her down the slopes, with ease and grace... ha, that will show her!
So...
skis-check,
boots-check,
poles-check,
bladder control diapers-check!!
I am off to the slopes and my lesson ... oh joy!!
The instructor calls us over to the bottom of the kiddie slope, which might as well have been Mount Everest to me (when in reality, i think it may have had a 2 degree slope), I am sure I had the facial expression of a deer in headlights. He shows us a few tricks for getting out of our skis and to my deep amusement how to fall!!! I laughed out loud on that one, was he kidding!! I wanted to learn how NOT to fall - falling I had down pat! (get it, 'down' - oh nevermind)
We were ready now to go to the top of the kiddie slope, so I shuffled over to the ski lift and...
was totally unprepared for the force with which the bar hits you in the back of the knees...
causing me to lose the minuscule amount of balance I possessed...
then I accidentally sat on the 'j' bar - which doesn't work because it is not made to hold any weight, at all
so...
then I fall off the 'j' bar (so glad I had that lesson in 'falling'---grrr!)...
land with a 'flump' in the snow and manage to get my ski stuck. Well, this is certainly going NOTHING like I had visualized, and yet exactly as I expected.
After much embarrassment on my part, being helped by two people, to get out of my skis, back on my feet, and back in my skis; I made it to the top of the hill. So we are all stranded up there with the only way out of this situation being to actually go down the hill. And despite that there was no choice, I was seriously looking for alternate ways to get back to the lodge and avoid going down the slope. (I could toss pride out the window, take off my skis and just crawl back; I could pretend to all of sudden be going into labor so that the ski patrol would have to come get me; I could train my mind in the ways of the jedi masters and just teleport myself there...) dammit, it was my turn...the instructor came up behind me and shoved me down the hill...it went like this...
ahhhh
fall
curse, curse
struggle up
ahhhh
fall
curse, curse
struggle up
ahhhh
fall
whimper, sniffle, curse
struggle up
ahhhh
fall
whimper, whimper, hysterical laughter
struggle up
fuck it!
remove skis and walk down
Now, in a mental lapse that I am still unable to fully understand, I went up again...why??? I felt guilty for not taking advantage of the full lesson time that my snow bunny goddess friend who totally abandoned me to die on the kiddie slope paid for! Dusk was starting by this time and I figured if I could just get down once more it would be something of an accomplishment and then I could feel totally justified in NEVER doing this again.
My mistake in this plan...waiting to be the last one to go so the instructor would not push me...this time it went like this...
breath
ski 2 "
stop
turn slightly
breath
ski 2"
stop
turn slightly
lose pole
ahhh
oh shit
sliding too far off bunny slope
oh shit
ditch
oh shit
orange fence
oh fuck, fuck, fuck.
I am in a ditch, on my back staring up at the sky, with my skis tangled in orange fencing which I can't reach, it is getting dark, no one was around or saw where I went, my friend will never even come to look for me because she is off with Jules the dark haired mogul master, and I am going to die here and be eaten by vultures.
Perfect!!!
Tears of embarrassment, frustration, and betrayal begin to build up...well, this is just ridiculous my mind begins to fuss at my ego - get up idiot and don't just lay there getting cold and feeling sorry for yourself...you are not in the Alaskan wilderness, it is a fricking ski resort. Several deep breaths later, I manage to push myself into a half sitting position and extricate myself from my skis (which I left there). Then climbed out of the ditch, which did take a few tries, and once at the top, collapsed in frantic laughter happy to not have to be eaten by wild animals.
So, no more downhill adventures for me, unless Sven the Olympic ski god comes himself to escort me personally down the slopes!!!
Everything started out nice enough, I met her at her house so that I could borrow some snow gear because at the time I had my 'artsy' clothes (capes, plumed hats, and kid gloves) but no real outdoor gear. She and I were almost the same size so it sounded perfect...until I saw what she was loaning me. She wasn't loaning me her clothes but clothes from her brother! So while she looked like a snow-bunny goddess, with tight gortex pants and matching cute waist-cut jacket, I resembled a baggy Michelin man in red. Not quite the look I was hoping for. So trying to look on the bright side of my clearly unattractive apparel I figured, well at least this way when I am rolling down the slopes I will have some padding.
Just as we were leaving her house the snow began to fall and what should have taken us two hours took four. So I had to dash through renting equipment and boot fittings to make it to the lesson. Keep in mind this is my first time ever on skis or in ski boots. So may I suggest that it would have been nice if I had been informed that ski boots look like normal boots, but really they pitch you forward and if you don't keep your knees bent when you stand up you end up toppling onto your face.
Which I did,
twice,
before I got the hang of it.
So right then I am thinking my chances of not breaking every bone in my body by the end of the day are not looking good if I have fallen twice before I am even on skis.
Tripping (but at least no more falling) every few feet or so I make my way over to the ski counter to get fitted - meanwhile my beautiful ski bunny goddess friend has already met a guy, started a conversation with him, and waved farewell to me - the other reason that I really didn't want to come. I knew she would do this, I just thought that it would take a little longer than 5 minutes. I was peeved, mostly because I was scared of dying, and she was leaving me, and they wouldn't find my body until the summer thaw, and there would be no one to feed my cat, and ... ok, stop - breath - you may be over-reacting...true. But still!!! Fine, I cheered myself by having delightful visions of myself gliding past her down the slopes, with ease and grace... ha, that will show her!
So...
skis-check,
boots-check,
poles-check,
bladder control diapers-check!!
I am off to the slopes and my lesson ... oh joy!!
The instructor calls us over to the bottom of the kiddie slope, which might as well have been Mount Everest to me (when in reality, i think it may have had a 2 degree slope), I am sure I had the facial expression of a deer in headlights. He shows us a few tricks for getting out of our skis and to my deep amusement how to fall!!! I laughed out loud on that one, was he kidding!! I wanted to learn how NOT to fall - falling I had down pat! (get it, 'down' - oh nevermind)
We were ready now to go to the top of the kiddie slope, so I shuffled over to the ski lift and...
was totally unprepared for the force with which the bar hits you in the back of the knees...
causing me to lose the minuscule amount of balance I possessed...
then I accidentally sat on the 'j' bar - which doesn't work because it is not made to hold any weight, at all
so...
then I fall off the 'j' bar (so glad I had that lesson in 'falling'---grrr!)...
land with a 'flump' in the snow and manage to get my ski stuck. Well, this is certainly going NOTHING like I had visualized, and yet exactly as I expected.
After much embarrassment on my part, being helped by two people, to get out of my skis, back on my feet, and back in my skis; I made it to the top of the hill. So we are all stranded up there with the only way out of this situation being to actually go down the hill. And despite that there was no choice, I was seriously looking for alternate ways to get back to the lodge and avoid going down the slope. (I could toss pride out the window, take off my skis and just crawl back; I could pretend to all of sudden be going into labor so that the ski patrol would have to come get me; I could train my mind in the ways of the jedi masters and just teleport myself there...) dammit, it was my turn...the instructor came up behind me and shoved me down the hill...it went like this...
ahhhh
fall
curse, curse
struggle up
ahhhh
fall
curse, curse
struggle up
ahhhh
fall
whimper, sniffle, curse
struggle up
ahhhh
fall
whimper, whimper, hysterical laughter
struggle up
fuck it!
remove skis and walk down
Now, in a mental lapse that I am still unable to fully understand, I went up again...why??? I felt guilty for not taking advantage of the full lesson time that my snow bunny goddess friend who totally abandoned me to die on the kiddie slope paid for! Dusk was starting by this time and I figured if I could just get down once more it would be something of an accomplishment and then I could feel totally justified in NEVER doing this again.
My mistake in this plan...waiting to be the last one to go so the instructor would not push me...this time it went like this...
breath
ski 2 "
stop
turn slightly
breath
ski 2"
stop
turn slightly
lose pole
ahhh
oh shit
sliding too far off bunny slope
oh shit
ditch
oh shit
orange fence
oh fuck, fuck, fuck.
I am in a ditch, on my back staring up at the sky, with my skis tangled in orange fencing which I can't reach, it is getting dark, no one was around or saw where I went, my friend will never even come to look for me because she is off with Jules the dark haired mogul master, and I am going to die here and be eaten by vultures.
Perfect!!!
Tears of embarrassment, frustration, and betrayal begin to build up...well, this is just ridiculous my mind begins to fuss at my ego - get up idiot and don't just lay there getting cold and feeling sorry for yourself...you are not in the Alaskan wilderness, it is a fricking ski resort. Several deep breaths later, I manage to push myself into a half sitting position and extricate myself from my skis (which I left there). Then climbed out of the ditch, which did take a few tries, and once at the top, collapsed in frantic laughter happy to not have to be eaten by wild animals.
So, no more downhill adventures for me, unless Sven the Olympic ski god comes himself to escort me personally down the slopes!!!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
1000 names
There is a native american saying that is " a loved child has many names " so this one is for you monster muffin!
________________
Perhaps I am feeling sentimental today (gee, how soooo like every other day, right?!? haha) but I was reminiscing about a recent text exchange with my son - who I usually refrain from writing about. But today, he will just have to forgive me...not that I am going to tell him of course :)
It went something like this:
me - "hi angel fish, how was your day?"
him - "good - how was yours? and what did we say about the names mum?"
(side note here, that every since he was known about I have called him a myriad of nicknames; angel fish, monster fish, sunshine, honey bear, monster muffin, sunny bunny, lamb, sweetie, fluffy-snuggle, - you get the idea... I seldom if never use his given name, unless he is in trouble, which is also seldom to never. He was fine with this, up until a little over a year ago and I was given the 'cease and desist' on the nicknames, which naturally I refuse to do :) ... what is the point of being a parent if you can not have these small victories!!)
me - "glad your day was good pooka muffin, mine was fine still at work. and you said not in public, this is text so :P"
him - "mum! really!! no more nick names"
me - "one day you won't mind so much monster bear angel fish honeybear :D, b/c u know it means i love you, besides im ur mum"
him - "mum!!! REALLY??!! i dont have to answer you!!"
me - "u wouldn't do that honey pot - secretly you love it!"
him - "do not! and i am going to delete you if you do that again"
me - "hahaha!! no you wouldn't, besides it is such fun to tease you with it - you made my day :) qt"
him - "fine, glad to have made you smile, now STOP IT! :) "
These are fairly typical conversations between he and I, and they brighten my day every time. So along these lines of communication or the growing lack thereof due to the onset of his teenage years, I got to thinking about what are some of the key things that I would tell my son (if he would listen).
1. Always keep a bottle of champagne in your refrigerator, because there is always something to celebrate.
2. Big stuff usually becomes little stuff with some time and distance.
3. Leave revenge up to God, he is bigger and better at it.
4. Be bold, be brave, and be fearless - if you risk nothing, then that is exactly what you will get.
5. There is ALWAYS time for a hug and a kiss before bed.
6. Tell the people you love and care for what they mean to you, life is short and you don't always get to do it later.
7. Chicken soup really does help a cold.
8. No matter how old you get, you will absolutely always be my angel fish...hehe...couldn't resist
9. Be happy and positive, because if things are or are not going well now, one thing is for certain, they will change.
10. Smile...if you are sad - it will make you feel better, if you are happy - it will show, if you are mad - it will confuse your enemies. :)
You know those aren't bad things for me to remember too - hahaha.
Isn't it funny that he teaches me more than I could ever teach him!! Thank you sweet honey bug :)
________________
Perhaps I am feeling sentimental today (gee, how soooo like every other day, right?!? haha) but I was reminiscing about a recent text exchange with my son - who I usually refrain from writing about. But today, he will just have to forgive me...not that I am going to tell him of course :)
It went something like this:
me - "hi angel fish, how was your day?"
him - "good - how was yours? and what did we say about the names mum?"
(side note here, that every since he was known about I have called him a myriad of nicknames; angel fish, monster fish, sunshine, honey bear, monster muffin, sunny bunny, lamb, sweetie, fluffy-snuggle, - you get the idea... I seldom if never use his given name, unless he is in trouble, which is also seldom to never. He was fine with this, up until a little over a year ago and I was given the 'cease and desist' on the nicknames, which naturally I refuse to do :) ... what is the point of being a parent if you can not have these small victories!!)
me - "glad your day was good pooka muffin, mine was fine still at work. and you said not in public, this is text so :P"
him - "mum! really!! no more nick names"
me - "one day you won't mind so much monster bear angel fish honeybear :D, b/c u know it means i love you, besides im ur mum"
him - "mum!!! REALLY??!! i dont have to answer you!!"
me - "u wouldn't do that honey pot - secretly you love it!"
him - "do not! and i am going to delete you if you do that again"
me - "hahaha!! no you wouldn't, besides it is such fun to tease you with it - you made my day :) qt"
him - "fine, glad to have made you smile, now STOP IT! :) "
These are fairly typical conversations between he and I, and they brighten my day every time. So along these lines of communication or the growing lack thereof due to the onset of his teenage years, I got to thinking about what are some of the key things that I would tell my son (if he would listen).
1. Always keep a bottle of champagne in your refrigerator, because there is always something to celebrate.
2. Big stuff usually becomes little stuff with some time and distance.
3. Leave revenge up to God, he is bigger and better at it.
4. Be bold, be brave, and be fearless - if you risk nothing, then that is exactly what you will get.
5. There is ALWAYS time for a hug and a kiss before bed.
6. Tell the people you love and care for what they mean to you, life is short and you don't always get to do it later.
7. Chicken soup really does help a cold.
8. No matter how old you get, you will absolutely always be my angel fish...hehe...couldn't resist
9. Be happy and positive, because if things are or are not going well now, one thing is for certain, they will change.
10. Smile...if you are sad - it will make you feel better, if you are happy - it will show, if you are mad - it will confuse your enemies. :)
You know those aren't bad things for me to remember too - hahaha.
Isn't it funny that he teaches me more than I could ever teach him!! Thank you sweet honey bug :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
my love affair with fritos
As you may have noticed by now, dear readers, many of my stories have to do with food or my childhood - this one is both! Lucky you! :)
I adore fritos - not the barbecue or the jalapeno - or all that nonsense but the delicious, crunchy, greasy, bad for you, but now at least they have no 'trans fats' (as IF that makes it healthy), original fritos. My love affair with fritos started very early, so early I can never remember not loving them. The most likely reason for my deep and lasting emotional devotion to this mecca of corn chips is ... they were completely forbidden by my mother. But thankfully, for Frito Lay's profit margins in later years (since I have single handedly kept them in business), NOT by my father! (aren't dads great!!!)
So while they were strictly off-limits at the house, there were no such restrictions when with dad on a saturday afternoon at the pool!! Oh yeah!!! Imagine my delight when I approached the vending machine, face glowing with anticipation, palms sweating slightly to be able to have the whole bag to myself...oh rapture!!! Then at last, there they were, in my hands - the golden chips that surely the angels had made (Haleluhia...Haleluhia...angelic choir in the background) - they were that good to me.
and the best part...
and i know that i am not the only one who has done this...
I would gently and carefully carry my beautiful bag of fritos to the table, where quietly waiting was our 'super healthy' classic 70's lunch ... yes, a bologna sandwich on processed white bread (still my favorite) with neon yellow mustard. And then...Mmmmm...('memories, like the shadows of my mind...misty water-colored memories...') oh - wow! Sorry - where was I - oh yes, sandwich. I would open my sandwich and pour the entire bag of fritos on it, put to top piece of bread on it - and smash the whole thing together as flat as possible, crunching all of the fritos into the bologna. This is a very important step, by the way - should you want to try this at home (medical disclaimer, I assume no responsibility or liability for the potential coronary) - because it keeps the fritos in the sandwich. Crucial step.
It is the most perfect combination of textures and tastes the world has to offer!! (not that I am viewing it from the rosy glow of childhood or anything, phshh - silly you!!) The squish of white bread slathered with scrumptious mustard that drips onto your fingers while you crunch into the heaven that is known as fritos, followed by the meaty goodness of bologna -- ahhhh!!!
Just soooo yum-a-luscious! (I think I need a moment) haha
With all that in mind, I am pretty sure that I have never been able to only have a few fritos - usually it is at least half a bag, if not all of it.
I have noticed in my ongoing desire of fritos that not all fritos products are created equal..."Scoops" taste totally different than fritos, and not in a good way. And yes, I was very disappointed and I don't deal with disappointment well. (those of you who know me will - no doubt - agree) Why they taste so different I am not altogether sure, I can only ponder that the larger chip just doesn't soak up the grease in the same delectable way. (pity)
As with any good love affair, you are always exploring and learning something new about each other, so it is with fritos and I - which actually inspired tonight's story...
I was delicately nibbling (ok, not!) on my fritos, cheese, and carrots for dinner (yes, I said dinner - no I am not apologizing, at least there were carrots!) and I discovered that fritos taste even better when you stuff 20+ in your mouth all at once versus just eating them one at a time! Eureka!!! :) How could I have been missing out on this all this time!!
Really, try it, you will see!
They are also fabulous with peanut m&m's, and topped with chili, and...well,
I am beginning to guess that this is why I always eat at least half the bag!! Bon Appetite!
I adore fritos - not the barbecue or the jalapeno - or all that nonsense but the delicious, crunchy, greasy, bad for you, but now at least they have no 'trans fats' (as IF that makes it healthy), original fritos. My love affair with fritos started very early, so early I can never remember not loving them. The most likely reason for my deep and lasting emotional devotion to this mecca of corn chips is ... they were completely forbidden by my mother. But thankfully, for Frito Lay's profit margins in later years (since I have single handedly kept them in business), NOT by my father! (aren't dads great!!!)
So while they were strictly off-limits at the house, there were no such restrictions when with dad on a saturday afternoon at the pool!! Oh yeah!!! Imagine my delight when I approached the vending machine, face glowing with anticipation, palms sweating slightly to be able to have the whole bag to myself...oh rapture!!! Then at last, there they were, in my hands - the golden chips that surely the angels had made (Haleluhia...Haleluhia...angelic choir in the background) - they were that good to me.
and the best part...
and i know that i am not the only one who has done this...
I would gently and carefully carry my beautiful bag of fritos to the table, where quietly waiting was our 'super healthy' classic 70's lunch ... yes, a bologna sandwich on processed white bread (still my favorite) with neon yellow mustard. And then...Mmmmm...('memories, like the shadows of my mind...misty water-colored memories...') oh - wow! Sorry - where was I - oh yes, sandwich. I would open my sandwich and pour the entire bag of fritos on it, put to top piece of bread on it - and smash the whole thing together as flat as possible, crunching all of the fritos into the bologna. This is a very important step, by the way - should you want to try this at home (medical disclaimer, I assume no responsibility or liability for the potential coronary) - because it keeps the fritos in the sandwich. Crucial step.
It is the most perfect combination of textures and tastes the world has to offer!! (not that I am viewing it from the rosy glow of childhood or anything, phshh - silly you!!) The squish of white bread slathered with scrumptious mustard that drips onto your fingers while you crunch into the heaven that is known as fritos, followed by the meaty goodness of bologna -- ahhhh!!!
Just soooo yum-a-luscious! (I think I need a moment) haha
With all that in mind, I am pretty sure that I have never been able to only have a few fritos - usually it is at least half a bag, if not all of it.
I have noticed in my ongoing desire of fritos that not all fritos products are created equal..."Scoops" taste totally different than fritos, and not in a good way. And yes, I was very disappointed and I don't deal with disappointment well. (those of you who know me will - no doubt - agree) Why they taste so different I am not altogether sure, I can only ponder that the larger chip just doesn't soak up the grease in the same delectable way. (pity)
As with any good love affair, you are always exploring and learning something new about each other, so it is with fritos and I - which actually inspired tonight's story...
I was delicately nibbling (ok, not!) on my fritos, cheese, and carrots for dinner (yes, I said dinner - no I am not apologizing, at least there were carrots!) and I discovered that fritos taste even better when you stuff 20+ in your mouth all at once versus just eating them one at a time! Eureka!!! :) How could I have been missing out on this all this time!!
Really, try it, you will see!
They are also fabulous with peanut m&m's, and topped with chili, and...well,
I am beginning to guess that this is why I always eat at least half the bag!! Bon Appetite!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
paper clothes
There are few things that compare to the level of awkward vulnerability that I feel sitting in the doctor's office, on the little table (which even I feel too big for), stark naked except for two pieces of paper 'clothing' - and I use that term very liberally!!
They are either too big or too small for 99.9% of the population - how is that possible, that they are designed to fit absolutely no one - manage never to cover anything - and rip or disintegrate at the slightest touch.
Meanwhile, half way betwixt properly clothed and not (since the strips of paper don't really count) the doctor invariably walks in ... when I am half-naked, balancing on one foot in an attempt to remove pantyhose, without falling over (major challenge for me!!) and there is the startled embarrassed pause...
'oh, excuse me' - says the doctor...
Somehow this same doctor, who is about to look me over stem to stern in another 30 seconds, is backing out of the room sheepishly as if they have just caught their parents having sex. And now I am trying to undress even quicker because I am not sure what happens if the doctor comes back twice and you're not ready...they may just send you home, I don't know... but not a risk I wanted to take. I get up on the table and attempt some sort of sarong wrapping and fastening with the ridiculous paper ties to cover myself with the two pieces of transparent, fragile, tissue paper that they have provided me with, just as the doctor is walking back in. Whew, just in time!!!
To make matters more fun, when the doctor comes back into the sub-zero office (and may I ask why the f___ do doctor's office have to be the temperature of Antarctica? is that really necessary? wouldn't a mere 65 degrees be sufficiently chilly? ... apparently not) I am now gripping the paper covering to find a modicum of warmth - the 'cloth' is already showing signs of turning to shreds, shivering, half-purple...and...the doctor asks me to take the top off...
Well! couldn't we have just done this 30 seconds ago when you walked in the first time! I already had my top off!
Fine!! As I go to take the top off the ties refuse to untie or tear ... and while the rest of the top is willing to melt away with a strong breath, the ties are apparently teflon and refuse to budge! Awesome!! Then I get images of the Incredible Hulk flashing through my mind, but it seems just a little too 'in the moment' for even me, to just rip the shirt off and cast it aside in true Dr. Bruce Banner fashion. I shimmy out of the shoulders, roll it down to my waist and ... the doctor begins putting their ICE COLD hands on me - I mentioned that the office is Antarctica right?! And of course, my body instantly reacts...cold is cold!! My mortification levels have reached unquantifiable proportions because I look aroused when I am simply freezing and the same paper shirt that I was previous viewing with such disdain (and silently cursing) is now like a life raft after being shipwrecked in the middle of the Atlantic!!! Can I go now!
This is merely one of the 3 million reasons that I detest going to the doctor!!!
I know after the story this may be heavy, but I feel I must dedicate this post (not to make light but in the hope that others will send strength to them by their thoughts) to the poor sweet couple who lost their baby yesterday while I was at the doctor's office. I don't know who they were - what their names were, but my heart broke for them - over-hearing what had happened, seeing the look on their faces. It was overwhelming. My dearest wish is that for every tear that they cry now, blessings ten-fold will be poured at their feet.
They are either too big or too small for 99.9% of the population - how is that possible, that they are designed to fit absolutely no one - manage never to cover anything - and rip or disintegrate at the slightest touch.
Meanwhile, half way betwixt properly clothed and not (since the strips of paper don't really count) the doctor invariably walks in ... when I am half-naked, balancing on one foot in an attempt to remove pantyhose, without falling over (major challenge for me!!) and there is the startled embarrassed pause...
'oh, excuse me' - says the doctor...
Somehow this same doctor, who is about to look me over stem to stern in another 30 seconds, is backing out of the room sheepishly as if they have just caught their parents having sex. And now I am trying to undress even quicker because I am not sure what happens if the doctor comes back twice and you're not ready...they may just send you home, I don't know... but not a risk I wanted to take. I get up on the table and attempt some sort of sarong wrapping and fastening with the ridiculous paper ties to cover myself with the two pieces of transparent, fragile, tissue paper that they have provided me with, just as the doctor is walking back in. Whew, just in time!!!
To make matters more fun, when the doctor comes back into the sub-zero office (and may I ask why the f___ do doctor's office have to be the temperature of Antarctica? is that really necessary? wouldn't a mere 65 degrees be sufficiently chilly? ... apparently not) I am now gripping the paper covering to find a modicum of warmth - the 'cloth' is already showing signs of turning to shreds, shivering, half-purple...and...the doctor asks me to take the top off...
Well! couldn't we have just done this 30 seconds ago when you walked in the first time! I already had my top off!
Fine!! As I go to take the top off the ties refuse to untie or tear ... and while the rest of the top is willing to melt away with a strong breath, the ties are apparently teflon and refuse to budge! Awesome!! Then I get images of the Incredible Hulk flashing through my mind, but it seems just a little too 'in the moment' for even me, to just rip the shirt off and cast it aside in true Dr. Bruce Banner fashion. I shimmy out of the shoulders, roll it down to my waist and ... the doctor begins putting their ICE COLD hands on me - I mentioned that the office is Antarctica right?! And of course, my body instantly reacts...cold is cold!! My mortification levels have reached unquantifiable proportions because I look aroused when I am simply freezing and the same paper shirt that I was previous viewing with such disdain (and silently cursing) is now like a life raft after being shipwrecked in the middle of the Atlantic!!! Can I go now!
This is merely one of the 3 million reasons that I detest going to the doctor!!!
I know after the story this may be heavy, but I feel I must dedicate this post (not to make light but in the hope that others will send strength to them by their thoughts) to the poor sweet couple who lost their baby yesterday while I was at the doctor's office. I don't know who they were - what their names were, but my heart broke for them - over-hearing what had happened, seeing the look on their faces. It was overwhelming. My dearest wish is that for every tear that they cry now, blessings ten-fold will be poured at their feet.
Friday, April 8, 2011
practicing safe text 101
1. When entering a bar or alternatively alcohol related environment, turn your phone over to your friend (be sure it is a good friend!! other wise matters could get worse for you), have them reset the password lock so that you don't know what it is, and then turn the phone off. You WILL thank them tomorrow.
2. Say your boss's name is "Jim Jones" and your friend, that you text randomly at 2 o'clock in the morning about your sexual exploits is "Jim Jacobs" - do yourself a favor...Give your 'friend' Jim a nickname ( like 'Satan' perhaps. :) )... that moves him as far away as possible in your address book from your boss! Not that I would have e-v-e-r had anything like that happen to me ... well, at least not recently ... well, at least not yesterday...
3. When you have finally split up with that 'horrible' significant other but you do not want to delete them from your address book, because if they call you want to knowingly ignore their 'stupid, nasty, sh*theaded' self. But then miraculously they redeem themselves several weeks later and you are back together, remember to change their name back from 'stupid, nasty, sh*thead' in your contacts! (trust me...)
4. There are times when even your best friends will not understand "eafoen nivjt farnin" - no matter how many times you re-text it.
5. It may be better just to leave spell check turned off.
6. Deciding at 3 o'clock am on Saturday morning, after an eight hour block of partying, to simultaneously text friends (and ex-lovers) and then be upset and delete the texts (thereby inadvertently standing up your friend, that you agreed to have brunch with the next day, but have no recollection of it, because you deleted it), should be avoided at all possible costs.
(See suggestion #1 above)Friday, February 25, 2011
dispelling some myths
In the past several months many of my friends and family members have had babies, are having babies, or would like to be having babies. Which prompted some discussion recently with a friend about pregnancy, children, etc. So I thought perhaps it would be a good occasion to comment and lay to rest some common myths and misconceptions about the whole process (get it...mis'conceptions'...hahaha - oh fine, nevermind).
1. Pregnant woman have such a glow about them - no, this is just gas, really don't be fooled and don't sit too close
2. Morning sickness really doesn't only just happen in the morning, it can happen anytime, anywhere, over anything...including a piece of gum!
3. There is never a point when your water breaking in public is not going to be devastatingly embarrassing - no matter how much people tell you 'it is just a part of life'
4. Breast-feeding your child is totally wonderful and sexy, no matter what Americans think.
5. Yes, you do look fat - you are supposed to look fat - you are pregnant and it is ABSOLUTELY ok to look fat when you are PREGNANT!!
6. The most life-altering moments happen unexpectedly, for me it was feeling my son's heart beating against my spine, just the way he was turned for those few minutes gave us a connection that I am unable to explain and really there is no need, he is my love. (and he will definitely kill me if he knows I am posting this so...shhh - our secret)
7. The 'sympathy belly' that is supposed to help men understand what their ladies are going through during pregnancy, is complete rubbish!!! There is NO way that it can...and personally I am ok with that. Because even though they do not experience some of the downsides (sickness, swollen ankles, a constant weight on your bladder, contractions, contractions, and did I mention contractions?) They also miss out on some of the sweetest joys of being 'mommy' - when as mentioned earlier, you can feel the heartbeat, the first times the little one moves or kicks, the quiet moments when you simply feel the life within...miraculous.
8. Diapering your newborn is NOT intuitive, or instinct, or anything even close to that, honestly - it should be an Olympic event. I recommend practicing before they get here by purchasing a large live pacific octopus and attempting to put a diaper on it...the success rate will be a little better than with your newborn - but at least you will know what you are in for!!
So, to all of you embarking on this new path or just wanting to, the best advice I can give (and since it is free, take it for what it is worth) - learn to laugh, a lot, because what you thought was so important will melt like snow the first time you hear 'i love you mommy/daddy' and enjoy every moment - time passes way too quickly. The housework can wait, the laundry will still be there tomorrow, but moments of sitting on the floor with your little one making them giggle until they fall over are fleeting and precious.
1. Pregnant woman have such a glow about them - no, this is just gas, really don't be fooled and don't sit too close
2. Morning sickness really doesn't only just happen in the morning, it can happen anytime, anywhere, over anything...including a piece of gum!
3. There is never a point when your water breaking in public is not going to be devastatingly embarrassing - no matter how much people tell you 'it is just a part of life'
4. Breast-feeding your child is totally wonderful and sexy, no matter what Americans think.
5. Yes, you do look fat - you are supposed to look fat - you are pregnant and it is ABSOLUTELY ok to look fat when you are PREGNANT!!
6. The most life-altering moments happen unexpectedly, for me it was feeling my son's heart beating against my spine, just the way he was turned for those few minutes gave us a connection that I am unable to explain and really there is no need, he is my love. (and he will definitely kill me if he knows I am posting this so...shhh - our secret)
7. The 'sympathy belly' that is supposed to help men understand what their ladies are going through during pregnancy, is complete rubbish!!! There is NO way that it can...and personally I am ok with that. Because even though they do not experience some of the downsides (sickness, swollen ankles, a constant weight on your bladder, contractions, contractions, and did I mention contractions?) They also miss out on some of the sweetest joys of being 'mommy' - when as mentioned earlier, you can feel the heartbeat, the first times the little one moves or kicks, the quiet moments when you simply feel the life within...miraculous.
8. Diapering your newborn is NOT intuitive, or instinct, or anything even close to that, honestly - it should be an Olympic event. I recommend practicing before they get here by purchasing a large live pacific octopus and attempting to put a diaper on it...the success rate will be a little better than with your newborn - but at least you will know what you are in for!!
So, to all of you embarking on this new path or just wanting to, the best advice I can give (and since it is free, take it for what it is worth) - learn to laugh, a lot, because what you thought was so important will melt like snow the first time you hear 'i love you mommy/daddy' and enjoy every moment - time passes way too quickly. The housework can wait, the laundry will still be there tomorrow, but moments of sitting on the floor with your little one making them giggle until they fall over are fleeting and precious.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
winter storm warning?... ha!!!
So this is a long one ("that's what she said"), and from the opening you can probably surmise that I am still a little delirious from the events of the past 24 hours. I haven't decided yet if it is from hunger, dehydration, or exhaustion - my best guess would be all three. This one goes out to everyone who texted, called, emailed, and generally kept me laughing and sane on the longest -23 mile- drive of my life, as well as the following mornings festivities. Thank you all!!!
Timeline is exceptionally important to this story, so I will do my best to post times.
(Special thanks to all who approved me using their actual texts and conversations-their texts are in different colors to represent the different people. You guys are super awesome!)
12:00 pm - discussion begins about closing the office early due to encroaching bad weather (but 8" of snow hardly seems reason to panic after last years 28" storms, so no sweat I think to myself)
12:26 pm text - 'i am not a fan of winter, i can't believe u actually chose 2 live here'
12:28 pm reply - 'i love it! Don't like (freezing northern state) type of winter, but here is nothing!'
12:32 pm reply - 'u weren't here last yr - 62" (total), that is as much as i am tall! icky, i like palm trees & anything white better be sand! *sniffle*'
4:00 pm - the office is officially closed and I start home
4:15 pm text - 'the snow is really starting to pile up here, you should go home early'
4:18 pm reply - 'driving now, txt l8r'
4:39 pm follow-up- 'F*ck, I am never going to get home'
Yes, after a mere 21 minutes, I knew I was doomed...why I didn't turn back and return to the office, well - hindsight, right?
4:45 pm reply - 'R u stuck? or is traffic f*cked?'
4:46 pm reply - 'traffic is f*cked-people stupid!'
4:48 pm reply - 'Just be patient, people drive like idiots here.'
And before we proceed further, for anyone who might be concerned about me texting and driving (I know, I know - big no, no!), this really doesn't count because truthfully, I was parked most of the time.
So I am sitting watching people do completely non-sensical things, like create three lanes where there should be one, attempt to pull around the 8 million other cars ahead of them by pulling into on-coming traffic (no, that won't cause any additional problems in this scenario), and my personal favorite - honking at the guy in front of him!! You really must be joking about that one...honestly! The snow was falling fast and furious and was a heavy wet snow that was clinging to everything. I had to get out 5 times to scrap off the windows because the wipers and heat from the car wasn't enough, and at one point I could only see 20 feet ahead of me.
6:19 pm placed call - 'Hey there honey, I am totally stuck in my car trying to drive home in a snow storm, so I thought I would call and catch up with you. I got your email, sounds like you had an interesting weekend. Can't wait to hear!! Call me back when you can - 'cause I am going to be here for quite a while. F*ck, I am sooo screwed. Anyway, chat soon. Love ya.'
6:23 pm text - 'did you get home safely?'
6:24 pm reply - 'not even close :*( (crying face), i should have stayed at work!'
6:25 pm call - 'Oh my god, you have to be kidding, where are you?'
'A quarter of a mile away from the last time you texted, it is crazy out here and people just don't know how to drive. What a mess!'
We chat, laugh, (and I swear a lot) for a few minutes and end with a 'check back in later'.
6:30 pm returned call - 'Hi there, what's up? I am still at work.'
'Oh, just we are getting hit with a snowstorm and I left work at 4:00 and I am still in the car and we are barely moving at all!! Ahhh! If you are still at work you want to call me when you are done? I will still be in my car. (laughing)'
'Sure, sounds great, talk you in a little while. Good luck.'
I call my son and tell him there is no way I am going to be home anytime soon and to plan to sleep at his grandparents. I know, poor lamb, suffering by being spoiled by his grandparents :) but at least he is warm and safe which is one less thing on my mind. I turn on the radio and attempt to be philosophical about being totally stuck - by pretending to be a rock star for about an hour...using my water bottle for a microphone. I was fabulous! What?!? Like you've never done that...don't believe you!
7:30 pm call - 'Hey, how are you? Are you home yet?'
'No, and we have moved about 300 yards since you last called! Ugh, this sucks!' So we talk about her weekend, family, men, life in general for about 30 minutes, ending in a hasty goodbye because we have actually started moving finally and I need all my focus for navigating through this muck. See I am a responsible driver ;)
8:29 pm txt - 'ok, i have been in the car 4 and a half hours and still have 10 miles to go...i feel totally justified in hating winter. F*ck!
8:31 pm reply - 'Going home? That sucks! You should have just spent the night at (favorite pub)'
8:32 pm reply - 'Trying to! (get home) Yes sucks...i dont think they allow that! But next time i'll ask :) '
Now given the hours in the car, that i didn't exactly plan for, I could use a bathroom...so I start looking for gas stations, 7-eleven, something. Hmmm, either there is no good way to get to one or they are out of power. Uh-oh.
8:31 pm new text - 'Well i know what my next blog is abt...(hysterical laughter)'
8:32 pm reply - 'Should be funny!'
(this is out of order, but context was important) 9:23 pm reply - 'Yes, first time in my life I have ever wanted a penis for non-sexual purposes' ... [btw, if my dad or brother reads this blog, sorry! hehe]
8:37 pm text - 'I am going 2 b a you-tube video for sure, if we don't start moving soon'
8:38 pm call - 'You still on the road?!'
'Yes, and I really have to pee! This sucks!'
'Well, can you just pull off to the side of the road...'
'No, there is no where!' (whimper) But at least I am distracted for a little while with conversation. We hang up. Back to the radio.
So all around me cars are stopped, people have abandoned them and started walking, but just in front of me is a poor soul with his hood up and flashers on. I pull up beside him and ask what's wrong, he thinks it is his battery. So I offer to give him a jump. Now a few things to keep in mind here, before you think - Wow, isn't that nice of her - (1) I know almost nothing about cars and will therefore be completely useless in assisting him (2) the thought of getting out and stretching my legs really sounded kind of nice, even in the driving snow/slush (3) I was hopeful of building some good karma should I be in a similar position of needing help later. (perhaps the third was my downfall - you'll see!) As predicted, I was totally useless in assisting him and worse for him, poor fellow, his car needed much more than a jump. So back in the car ... and now I am cold, wet, and still have to pee - brilliant!
9:22 pm text - ' :*( (crying face), whaaa...still stuck on the road...'
9:23 pm reply - 'Holy shit'
9:23 pm reply - 'LOL, i know!'
During the next little while I called my workmates, found out they were all home (jealous seething for a few seconds on my part...sorry, I am human). Asked one of them to look on the internet for me to see if any alternate routes were any better only to find out - no, I was toast.
9:51 pm text - 'Any relief yet?'
9:52 pm reply - 'No!'
9:53 pm reply - 'Awful! :( oh no that is terrible. Sorry!!'
9:54 pm call - 'Wow, what are you going to do?'
'I have no idea, just talk to me for a few minutes...' the downside of this plan was that she was making me laugh so much that I had to get off the phone before it made matters worse...haha!
Now during the next 30 minutes I put serious effort in to trying to figure out a way to take care of the building pressure in my bladder by; (1) finding a spot to pull off (not happening, because as I may have mentioned, we aren't moving), (2) figuring out some way to adjust my doors so that I can actually be shielded from sight if I go with the au natural method (since I seriously do not want to be a you-tube video for that!!), or ... (3) unbury one of the 10 million coffee cups from the back seat and have a make-shift porta-john. With options 1 and 2 ruled out due to weather and impossible geometric realities of sight lines and visibility, I was left with the intense debate with myself of how to accomplish option 3. My thoughts went along these lines...
Ok, I really have to go...
No you don't it is not that bad, think of something else...
I have been thinking of something else! called people, sung to the radio, daydreamed, counted the number of snowflakes hitting the windshield...
True, but you really don't want to do that...
I know, but I soooo have to goooo...and we are people, everyone has to go to the bathroom sometimes, no one is even going to pay attention to you... (i hope!)
I got as far as undoing my seat belt, figuring out if I could climb into the back seat without drawing any attention to myself, and even unbuttoned my jeans - it was that bad! But wait...unbuttoning my jeans helped - quite a bit actually...maybe I could wait just a little bit longer...please - please - please!! It is amazing the influence that potential public humiliation can have on decision making even for urgent, normal bodily functions.
I start praying profusely that traffic would start moving so that I didn't have to logistically figure out a way to achieve a successful implementation of option 3. Profusely praying!
Traffic actually moves, 6 feet (alright slightly more that).
10:19 pm text - 'OMG!! Are you ok? Hang in there!!!!!'
10:20 pm reply - 'I know! OMG! Just want a bathroom!!'
10:22 pm reply - 'Do you have a bottle ;) that sucks!!!!!!!!!!! I thought 45 minutes for 5 miles was bad!'
10:23 pm reply - 'Haha! Ahhhhhh-thinking about it ;) ... i know crazy!'
10:26 pm reply - 'Hope you make it home soon. Ugh!'
10:27 pm text - 'I am beginning to lose my sense of humor'
10:27 pm reply - 'OMG still out there...how far have you moved?'
10:28 pm follow-up - 'R u at least almost there? I'm afraid even to ask...'
10:29 pm reply - 'Another quarter mile! No-f*ck!'
10:29 pm reply - 'Yikes!!!'
10:39 pm, new text - 'U home yet?'
10:41 pm reply - 'Not even close - hahahaha'
10:43 pm call - 'You have got to be kidding me'
'No, not...' We talk for a nice long while and thankfully traffic is creeping along at a slow but steady pace of 2 miles per hour, which other times would seem like chinese water torture but I was delighted!
11:10 pm call - 'How are you?'
'Hanging in there, we have gone a little further.'
'Did you get to a bathroom yet?'
'No!'
'I can't tell if your laughing or crying'
'A little of both...'
'Wow, you wouldn't believe what just happened, I will send you a picture.'
11:16 pm email - picture of a BIG tree spread all the way across a main road and a squashed car underneath it
11:17 pm call - 'They actually pulled the guy out without a scratch!'
Well, that help put things in perspective, I could have been that guy!
12:16 am text - 'Just at (named) road'
12:17 am reply - 'Wow, good luck what a long day!'
general text - 'text me when you get home'
reply - 'will do'
Back to the radio...and the most difficult part of the drive, because now everyone is tired and cranky and we had just enough speed for people to actually believe that there was hope...which made for some very impatient fellow drivers. Very impatient!
1:53 am - I am finally home (thank you god...i know i swear a lot, but as i have mentioned, i think god appreciates my idiosyncratic behavior), there is no parking to be had in the regular spots so I end up digging a small spot out by the mailboxes and finally...Finally, I get to go to the bathroom...Ahhh.
2:00 am text (repeated multiple times to varies parties with slight revisions for each) - 'Just got home - all safe, thanks for the company tonight. :) '
2:11 am reply - 'No shit!!! Glad you finally made it home safe!!! You would almost be to Florida with that drive!'
2:14 am reply - 'yeah...and then id b warm!!! LOL (& slightly hysterically) - nite.
9:30 am...alarm goes off...
- groan- I go to move and feel like I have been run over by a truck, all the tension and stress of 10 hours of alert driving - ugh. I crawl to the shower, get dressed, pet the cat, and just as I am putting on my gloves...
-tap-tap-tap-
Odd, someone is knocking on my door...I answer.
The sweet young couple (with baby in arms) who live upstairs from me have come to tell me...
THAT THEY ARE TOWING MY F*CKING CAR...Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
No way. Not Possible. Not after last night...I head out the front door just in time to watch the tow truck pulling away with my car!!! (remember my lamenting option 3 of doing good for good karma in return...apparently doesn't always work that way)
'You have got to be f*cking kidding me!!' I shout, 'No way!!!' - unfortunately, this upset the baby, who starts crying and then I have to make myself look calm and happy so they will stop (and apologize to the poor sweet couple for swearing in front of their child) Yep, it is another 'Yay me!' moment. Ack!
The couple leaves me to my misery, I walk into the apartment and call two of my friends in exasperated wonder at my totally sucky luck...after hanging up with the second one. I lose it, that is it - I just can't handle any more and I completely bawl like a baby for a good 2 minutes. Which turns out to be the release valve that I needed but left me weepy when I called the towing company to see if they had my car, was it still on the truck, would they please bring it back to me if it was...by the time the man hung up with me - he actually felt bad for me.
11:12 am text - 'if it weren't for bad luck, i would have no luck at all'
11:15 am - called the taxi to take me to the towing place
11:55 am - arrived at the towing place...looking pathetic, still red eyed from my self-pity party, maneuvering stiffly over the snow from my 10 hour stint in the car the night before. And totally prepared to be mad at the towing company forever and name them in this blog, causing trouble and havoc for them for the rest of their years in business...what? you think that might be a bit too much?
Ok, fine.
But the man behind the counter was the same man who had talked to my weeping self earlier, and my guess is that people usually shout at him, but few cry...and I really looked like something the cat had; played with, drug around a few days, and then squashed, at this point. His eyes got sympathetic, he actually said please when he asked for my money, and even...gave me a discount over what he had told me on the phone.
Soooo, having gone through all of that, I have to say that I have some of the best friends on the planet because I am able to laugh about it AND most importantly their humor, sympathy, and company made the experience worth it. (well, maybe not the towing part ... grrrr!!)
Thank you ALL!! :)
Timeline is exceptionally important to this story, so I will do my best to post times.
(Special thanks to all who approved me using their actual texts and conversations-their texts are in different colors to represent the different people. You guys are super awesome!)
12:00 pm - discussion begins about closing the office early due to encroaching bad weather (but 8" of snow hardly seems reason to panic after last years 28" storms, so no sweat I think to myself)
12:26 pm text - 'i am not a fan of winter, i can't believe u actually chose 2 live here'
12:28 pm reply - 'i love it! Don't like (freezing northern state) type of winter, but here is nothing!'
12:32 pm reply - 'u weren't here last yr - 62" (total), that is as much as i am tall! icky, i like palm trees & anything white better be sand! *sniffle*'
4:00 pm - the office is officially closed and I start home
4:15 pm text - 'the snow is really starting to pile up here, you should go home early'
4:18 pm reply - 'driving now, txt l8r'
4:39 pm follow-up- 'F*ck, I am never going to get home'
Yes, after a mere 21 minutes, I knew I was doomed...why I didn't turn back and return to the office, well - hindsight, right?
4:45 pm reply - 'R u stuck? or is traffic f*cked?'
4:46 pm reply - 'traffic is f*cked-people stupid!'
4:48 pm reply - 'Just be patient, people drive like idiots here.'
And before we proceed further, for anyone who might be concerned about me texting and driving (I know, I know - big no, no!), this really doesn't count because truthfully, I was parked most of the time.
So I am sitting watching people do completely non-sensical things, like create three lanes where there should be one, attempt to pull around the 8 million other cars ahead of them by pulling into on-coming traffic (no, that won't cause any additional problems in this scenario), and my personal favorite - honking at the guy in front of him!! You really must be joking about that one...honestly! The snow was falling fast and furious and was a heavy wet snow that was clinging to everything. I had to get out 5 times to scrap off the windows because the wipers and heat from the car wasn't enough, and at one point I could only see 20 feet ahead of me.
6:19 pm placed call - 'Hey there honey, I am totally stuck in my car trying to drive home in a snow storm, so I thought I would call and catch up with you. I got your email, sounds like you had an interesting weekend. Can't wait to hear!! Call me back when you can - 'cause I am going to be here for quite a while. F*ck, I am sooo screwed. Anyway, chat soon. Love ya.'
6:23 pm text - 'did you get home safely?'
6:24 pm reply - 'not even close :*( (crying face), i should have stayed at work!'
6:25 pm call - 'Oh my god, you have to be kidding, where are you?'
'A quarter of a mile away from the last time you texted, it is crazy out here and people just don't know how to drive. What a mess!'
We chat, laugh, (and I swear a lot) for a few minutes and end with a 'check back in later'.
6:30 pm returned call - 'Hi there, what's up? I am still at work.'
'Oh, just we are getting hit with a snowstorm and I left work at 4:00 and I am still in the car and we are barely moving at all!! Ahhh! If you are still at work you want to call me when you are done? I will still be in my car. (laughing)'
'Sure, sounds great, talk you in a little while. Good luck.'
I call my son and tell him there is no way I am going to be home anytime soon and to plan to sleep at his grandparents. I know, poor lamb, suffering by being spoiled by his grandparents :) but at least he is warm and safe which is one less thing on my mind. I turn on the radio and attempt to be philosophical about being totally stuck - by pretending to be a rock star for about an hour...using my water bottle for a microphone. I was fabulous! What?!? Like you've never done that...don't believe you!
7:30 pm call - 'Hey, how are you? Are you home yet?'
'No, and we have moved about 300 yards since you last called! Ugh, this sucks!' So we talk about her weekend, family, men, life in general for about 30 minutes, ending in a hasty goodbye because we have actually started moving finally and I need all my focus for navigating through this muck. See I am a responsible driver ;)
8:29 pm txt - 'ok, i have been in the car 4 and a half hours and still have 10 miles to go...i feel totally justified in hating winter. F*ck!
8:31 pm reply - 'Going home? That sucks! You should have just spent the night at (favorite pub)'
8:32 pm reply - 'Trying to! (get home) Yes sucks...i dont think they allow that! But next time i'll ask :) '
Now given the hours in the car, that i didn't exactly plan for, I could use a bathroom...so I start looking for gas stations, 7-eleven, something. Hmmm, either there is no good way to get to one or they are out of power. Uh-oh.
8:31 pm new text - 'Well i know what my next blog is abt...(hysterical laughter)'
8:32 pm reply - 'Should be funny!'
(this is out of order, but context was important) 9:23 pm reply - 'Yes, first time in my life I have ever wanted a penis for non-sexual purposes' ... [btw, if my dad or brother reads this blog, sorry! hehe]
8:37 pm text - 'I am going 2 b a you-tube video for sure, if we don't start moving soon'
8:38 pm call - 'You still on the road?!'
'Yes, and I really have to pee! This sucks!'
'Well, can you just pull off to the side of the road...'
'No, there is no where!' (whimper) But at least I am distracted for a little while with conversation. We hang up. Back to the radio.
So all around me cars are stopped, people have abandoned them and started walking, but just in front of me is a poor soul with his hood up and flashers on. I pull up beside him and ask what's wrong, he thinks it is his battery. So I offer to give him a jump. Now a few things to keep in mind here, before you think - Wow, isn't that nice of her - (1) I know almost nothing about cars and will therefore be completely useless in assisting him (2) the thought of getting out and stretching my legs really sounded kind of nice, even in the driving snow/slush (3) I was hopeful of building some good karma should I be in a similar position of needing help later. (perhaps the third was my downfall - you'll see!) As predicted, I was totally useless in assisting him and worse for him, poor fellow, his car needed much more than a jump. So back in the car ... and now I am cold, wet, and still have to pee - brilliant!
9:22 pm text - ' :*( (crying face), whaaa...still stuck on the road...'
9:23 pm reply - 'Holy shit'
9:23 pm reply - 'LOL, i know!'
During the next little while I called my workmates, found out they were all home (jealous seething for a few seconds on my part...sorry, I am human). Asked one of them to look on the internet for me to see if any alternate routes were any better only to find out - no, I was toast.
9:51 pm text - 'Any relief yet?'
9:52 pm reply - 'No!'
9:53 pm reply - 'Awful! :( oh no that is terrible. Sorry!!'
9:54 pm call - 'Wow, what are you going to do?'
'I have no idea, just talk to me for a few minutes...' the downside of this plan was that she was making me laugh so much that I had to get off the phone before it made matters worse...haha!
Now during the next 30 minutes I put serious effort in to trying to figure out a way to take care of the building pressure in my bladder by; (1) finding a spot to pull off (not happening, because as I may have mentioned, we aren't moving), (2) figuring out some way to adjust my doors so that I can actually be shielded from sight if I go with the au natural method (since I seriously do not want to be a you-tube video for that!!), or ... (3) unbury one of the 10 million coffee cups from the back seat and have a make-shift porta-john. With options 1 and 2 ruled out due to weather and impossible geometric realities of sight lines and visibility, I was left with the intense debate with myself of how to accomplish option 3. My thoughts went along these lines...
Ok, I really have to go...
No you don't it is not that bad, think of something else...
I have been thinking of something else! called people, sung to the radio, daydreamed, counted the number of snowflakes hitting the windshield...
True, but you really don't want to do that...
I know, but I soooo have to goooo...and we are people, everyone has to go to the bathroom sometimes, no one is even going to pay attention to you... (i hope!)
I got as far as undoing my seat belt, figuring out if I could climb into the back seat without drawing any attention to myself, and even unbuttoned my jeans - it was that bad! But wait...unbuttoning my jeans helped - quite a bit actually...maybe I could wait just a little bit longer...please - please - please!! It is amazing the influence that potential public humiliation can have on decision making even for urgent, normal bodily functions.
I start praying profusely that traffic would start moving so that I didn't have to logistically figure out a way to achieve a successful implementation of option 3. Profusely praying!
Traffic actually moves, 6 feet (alright slightly more that).
10:19 pm text - 'OMG!! Are you ok? Hang in there!!!!!'
10:20 pm reply - 'I know! OMG! Just want a bathroom!!'
10:22 pm reply - 'Do you have a bottle ;) that sucks!!!!!!!!!!! I thought 45 minutes for 5 miles was bad!'
10:23 pm reply - 'Haha! Ahhhhhh-thinking about it ;) ... i know crazy!'
10:26 pm reply - 'Hope you make it home soon. Ugh!'
10:27 pm text - 'I am beginning to lose my sense of humor'
10:27 pm reply - 'OMG still out there...how far have you moved?'
10:28 pm follow-up - 'R u at least almost there? I'm afraid even to ask...'
10:29 pm reply - 'Another quarter mile! No-f*ck!'
10:29 pm reply - 'Yikes!!!'
10:39 pm, new text - 'U home yet?'
10:41 pm reply - 'Not even close - hahahaha'
10:43 pm call - 'You have got to be kidding me'
'No, not...' We talk for a nice long while and thankfully traffic is creeping along at a slow but steady pace of 2 miles per hour, which other times would seem like chinese water torture but I was delighted!
11:10 pm call - 'How are you?'
'Hanging in there, we have gone a little further.'
'Did you get to a bathroom yet?'
'No!'
'I can't tell if your laughing or crying'
'A little of both...'
'Wow, you wouldn't believe what just happened, I will send you a picture.'
11:16 pm email - picture of a BIG tree spread all the way across a main road and a squashed car underneath it
11:17 pm call - 'They actually pulled the guy out without a scratch!'
Well, that help put things in perspective, I could have been that guy!
12:16 am text - 'Just at (named) road'
12:17 am reply - 'Wow, good luck what a long day!'
general text - 'text me when you get home'
reply - 'will do'
Back to the radio...and the most difficult part of the drive, because now everyone is tired and cranky and we had just enough speed for people to actually believe that there was hope...which made for some very impatient fellow drivers. Very impatient!
1:53 am - I am finally home (thank you god...i know i swear a lot, but as i have mentioned, i think god appreciates my idiosyncratic behavior), there is no parking to be had in the regular spots so I end up digging a small spot out by the mailboxes and finally...Finally, I get to go to the bathroom...Ahhh.
2:00 am text (repeated multiple times to varies parties with slight revisions for each) - 'Just got home - all safe, thanks for the company tonight. :) '
2:11 am reply - 'No shit!!! Glad you finally made it home safe!!! You would almost be to Florida with that drive!'
2:14 am reply - 'yeah...and then id b warm!!! LOL (& slightly hysterically) - nite.
9:30 am...alarm goes off...
- groan- I go to move and feel like I have been run over by a truck, all the tension and stress of 10 hours of alert driving - ugh. I crawl to the shower, get dressed, pet the cat, and just as I am putting on my gloves...
-tap-tap-tap-
Odd, someone is knocking on my door...I answer.
The sweet young couple (with baby in arms) who live upstairs from me have come to tell me...
THAT THEY ARE TOWING MY F*CKING CAR...Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
No way. Not Possible. Not after last night...I head out the front door just in time to watch the tow truck pulling away with my car!!! (remember my lamenting option 3 of doing good for good karma in return...apparently doesn't always work that way)
'You have got to be f*cking kidding me!!' I shout, 'No way!!!' - unfortunately, this upset the baby, who starts crying and then I have to make myself look calm and happy so they will stop (and apologize to the poor sweet couple for swearing in front of their child) Yep, it is another 'Yay me!' moment. Ack!
The couple leaves me to my misery, I walk into the apartment and call two of my friends in exasperated wonder at my totally sucky luck...after hanging up with the second one. I lose it, that is it - I just can't handle any more and I completely bawl like a baby for a good 2 minutes. Which turns out to be the release valve that I needed but left me weepy when I called the towing company to see if they had my car, was it still on the truck, would they please bring it back to me if it was...by the time the man hung up with me - he actually felt bad for me.
11:12 am text - 'if it weren't for bad luck, i would have no luck at all'
11:15 am - called the taxi to take me to the towing place
11:55 am - arrived at the towing place...looking pathetic, still red eyed from my self-pity party, maneuvering stiffly over the snow from my 10 hour stint in the car the night before. And totally prepared to be mad at the towing company forever and name them in this blog, causing trouble and havoc for them for the rest of their years in business...what? you think that might be a bit too much?
Ok, fine.
But the man behind the counter was the same man who had talked to my weeping self earlier, and my guess is that people usually shout at him, but few cry...and I really looked like something the cat had; played with, drug around a few days, and then squashed, at this point. His eyes got sympathetic, he actually said please when he asked for my money, and even...gave me a discount over what he had told me on the phone.
Soooo, having gone through all of that, I have to say that I have some of the best friends on the planet because I am able to laugh about it AND most importantly their humor, sympathy, and company made the experience worth it. (well, maybe not the towing part ... grrrr!!)
Thank you ALL!! :)
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