winter storm warning?... ha!!!

So this is a long one ("that's what she said"), and from the opening you can probably surmise that I am still a little delirious from the events of the past 24 hours. I haven't decided yet if it is from hunger, dehydration, or exhaustion - my best guess would be all three. This one goes out to everyone who texted, called, emailed, and generally kept me laughing and sane on the longest -23 mile- drive of my life, as well as the following mornings festivities. Thank you all!!!

Timeline is exceptionally important to this story, so I will do my best to post times.
(Special thanks to all who approved me using their actual texts and conversations-their texts are in different colors to represent the different people. You guys are super awesome!)

12:00 pm - discussion begins about closing the office early due to encroaching bad weather (but 8" of snow hardly seems reason to panic after last years 28" storms, so no sweat I think to myself)
12:26 pm text - 'i am not a fan of winter, i can't believe u actually chose 2 live here'
12:28 pm reply - 'i love it! Don't like (freezing northern state) type of winter, but here is nothing!'
12:32 pm reply - 'u weren't here last yr - 62" (total), that is as much as i am tall! icky, i like palm trees & anything white better be sand! *sniffle*'

4:00 pm - the office is officially closed and I start home
4:15 pm text - 'the snow is really starting to pile up here, you should go home early'
4:18 pm reply - 'driving now, txt l8r'
4:39 pm follow-up- 'F*ck, I am never going to get home'
Yes, after a mere 21 minutes, I knew I was doomed...why I didn't turn back and return to the office, well - hindsight, right?
4:45 pm reply - 'R u stuck? or is traffic f*cked?'
4:46 pm reply - 'traffic is f*cked-people stupid!'
4:48 pm reply - 'Just be patient, people drive like idiots here.'

And before we proceed further, for anyone who might be concerned about me texting and driving (I know, I know - big no, no!), this really doesn't count because truthfully, I was parked most of the time.

So I am sitting watching people do completely non-sensical things, like create three lanes where there should be one, attempt to pull around the 8 million other cars ahead of them by pulling into on-coming traffic (no, that won't cause any additional problems in this scenario), and my personal favorite - honking at the guy in front of him!! You really must be joking about that one...honestly! The snow was falling fast and furious and was a heavy wet snow that was clinging to everything. I had to get out 5 times to scrap off the windows because the wipers and heat from the car wasn't enough, and at one point I could only see 20 feet ahead of me.

6:19 pm placed call - 'Hey there honey, I am totally stuck in my car trying to drive home in a snow storm, so I thought I would call and catch up with you. I got your email, sounds like you had an interesting weekend. Can't wait to hear!! Call me back when you can - 'cause I am going to be here for quite a while. F*ck, I am sooo screwed. Anyway, chat soon. Love ya.'

6:23 pm text - 'did you get home safely?'
6:24 pm reply - 'not even close :*( (crying face), i should have stayed at work!'
6:25 pm call - 'Oh my god, you have to be kidding, where are you?'
'A quarter of a mile away from the last time you texted, it is crazy out here and people just don't know how to drive. What a mess!'
We chat, laugh, (and I swear a lot) for a few minutes and end with a 'check back in later'.

6:30 pm returned call - 'Hi there, what's up? I am still at work.'
'Oh, just we are getting hit with a snowstorm and I left work at 4:00 and I am still in the car and we are barely moving at all!! Ahhh! If you are still at work you want to call me when you are done? I will still be in my car. (laughing)'
'Sure, sounds great, talk you in a little while. Good luck.'

I call my son and tell him there is no way I am going to be home anytime soon and to plan to sleep at his grandparents. I know, poor lamb, suffering by being spoiled by his grandparents :) but at least he is warm and safe which is one less thing on my mind. I turn on the radio and attempt to be philosophical about being totally stuck - by pretending to be a rock star for about an hour...using my water bottle for a microphone. I was fabulous! What?!? Like you've never done that...don't believe you!

7:30 pm call - 'Hey, how are you? Are you home yet?'
'No, and we have moved about 300 yards since you last called! Ugh, this sucks!' So we talk about her weekend, family, men, life in general for about 30 minutes, ending in a hasty goodbye because we have actually started moving finally and I need all my focus for navigating through this muck. See I am a responsible driver ;)

8:29 pm txt - 'ok, i have been in the car 4 and a half hours and still have 10 miles to go...i feel totally justified in hating winter. F*ck!
8:31 pm reply - 'Going home? That sucks! You should have just spent the night at (favorite pub)'
8:32 pm reply - 'Trying to! (get home) Yes sucks...i dont think they allow that! But next time i'll ask :) '

Now given the hours in the car, that i didn't exactly plan for, I could use a bathroom...so I start looking for gas stations, 7-eleven, something. Hmmm, either there is no good way to get to one or they are out of power. Uh-oh.

8:31 pm new text - 'Well i know what my next blog is abt...(hysterical laughter)'
8:32 pm reply - 'Should be funny!'
(this is out of order, but context was important) 9:23 pm reply - 'Yes, first time in my life I have ever wanted a penis for non-sexual purposes' ... [btw, if my dad or brother reads this blog, sorry! hehe]

8:37 pm text - 'I am going 2 b a you-tube video for sure, if we don't start moving soon'
8:38 pm call - 'You still on the road?!'
'Yes, and I really have to pee! This sucks!'
'Well, can you just pull off to the side of the road...'
'No, there is no where!' (whimper) But at least I am distracted for a little while with conversation. We hang up. Back to the radio.

So all around me cars are stopped, people have abandoned them and started walking, but just in front of me is a poor soul with his hood up and flashers on. I pull up beside him and ask what's wrong, he thinks it is his battery. So I offer to give him a jump. Now a few things to keep in mind here, before you think - Wow, isn't that nice of her - (1) I know almost nothing about cars and will therefore be completely useless in assisting him (2) the thought of getting out and stretching my legs really sounded kind of nice, even in the driving snow/slush (3) I was hopeful of building some good karma should I be in a similar position of needing help later. (perhaps the third was my downfall - you'll see!) As predicted, I was totally useless in assisting him and worse for him, poor fellow, his car needed much more than a jump. So back in the car ... and now I am cold, wet, and still have to pee - brilliant!

9:22 pm text - ' :*( (crying face), whaaa...still stuck on the road...'
9:23 pm reply - 'Holy shit'
9:23 pm reply - 'LOL, i know!'

During the next little while I called my workmates, found out they were all home (jealous seething for a few seconds on my part...sorry, I am human). Asked one of them to look on the internet for me to see if any alternate routes were any better only to find out - no, I was toast.

9:51 pm text - 'Any relief yet?'
9:52 pm reply - 'No!'
9:53 pm reply - 'Awful! :( oh no that is terrible. Sorry!!'
9:54 pm call - 'Wow, what are you going to do?'
'I have no idea, just talk to me for a few minutes...' the downside of this plan was that she was making me laugh so much that I had to get off the phone before it made matters worse...haha!

Now during the next 30 minutes I put serious effort in to trying to figure out a way to take care of the building pressure in my bladder by; (1) finding a spot to pull off (not happening, because as I may have mentioned, we aren't moving), (2) figuring out some way to adjust my doors so that I can actually be shielded from sight if I go with the au natural method (since I seriously do not want to be a you-tube video for that!!), or ... (3) unbury one of the 10 million coffee cups from the back seat and have a make-shift porta-john. With options 1 and 2 ruled out due to weather and impossible geometric realities of sight lines and visibility, I was left with the intense debate with myself of how to accomplish option 3. My thoughts went along these lines...
Ok, I really have to go...
No you don't it is not that bad, think of something else...
I have been thinking of something else! called people, sung to the radio, daydreamed, counted the number of snowflakes hitting the windshield...
True, but you really don't want to do that...
I know, but I soooo have to goooo...and we are people, everyone has to go to the bathroom sometimes, no one is even going to pay attention to you... (i hope!)

I got as far as undoing my seat belt, figuring out if I could climb into the back seat without drawing any attention to myself, and even unbuttoned my jeans - it was that bad! But wait...unbuttoning my jeans helped - quite a bit actually...maybe I could wait just a little bit longer...please - please - please!! It is amazing the influence that potential public humiliation can have on decision making even for urgent, normal bodily functions.

I start praying profusely that traffic would start moving so that I didn't have to logistically figure out a way to achieve a successful implementation of option 3. Profusely praying!

Traffic actually moves, 6 feet (alright slightly more that).

10:19 pm text - 'OMG!! Are you ok? Hang in there!!!!!'
10:20 pm reply - 'I know! OMG! Just want a bathroom!!'
10:22 pm reply - 'Do you have a bottle ;) that sucks!!!!!!!!!!! I thought 45 minutes for 5 miles was bad!'
10:23 pm reply - 'Haha! Ahhhhhh-thinking about it ;) ... i know crazy!'
10:26 pm reply - 'Hope you make it home soon. Ugh!'

10:27 pm text - 'I am beginning to lose my sense of humor'
10:27 pm reply - 'OMG still out there...how far have you moved?'
10:28 pm follow-up - 'R u at least almost there? I'm afraid even to ask...'
10:29 pm reply - 'Another quarter mile! No-f*ck!'
10:29 pm reply - 'Yikes!!!'
10:39 pm, new text - 'U home yet?'
10:41 pm reply - 'Not even close - hahahaha'
10:43 pm call - 'You have got to be kidding me'
'No, not...' We talk for a nice long while and thankfully traffic is creeping along at a slow but steady pace of 2 miles per hour, which other times would seem like chinese water torture but I was delighted!

11:10 pm call - 'How are you?'
'Hanging in there, we have gone a little further.'
'Did you get to a bathroom yet?'
'No!'
'I can't tell if your laughing or crying'
'A little of both...'
'Wow, you wouldn't believe what just happened, I will send you a picture.'
11:16 pm email - picture of a BIG tree spread all the way across a main road and a squashed car underneath it
11:17 pm call - 'They actually pulled the guy out without a scratch!'

Well, that help put things in perspective, I could have been that guy!

12:16 am text - 'Just at (named) road'
12:17 am reply - 'Wow, good luck what a long day!'

general text - 'text me when you get home'
reply - 'will do'

Back to the radio...and the most difficult part of the drive, because now everyone is tired and cranky and we had just enough speed for people to actually believe that there was hope...which made for some very impatient fellow drivers. Very impatient!

1:53 am - I am finally home (thank you god...i know i swear a lot, but as i have mentioned, i think god appreciates my idiosyncratic behavior), there is no parking to be had in the regular spots so I end up digging a small spot out by the mailboxes and finally...Finally, I get to go to the bathroom...Ahhh.

2:00 am text (repeated multiple times to varies parties with slight revisions for each) - 'Just got home - all safe, thanks for the company tonight. :) '
2:11 am reply - 'No shit!!! Glad you finally made it home safe!!! You would almost be to Florida with that drive!'
2:14 am reply - 'yeah...and then id b warm!!! LOL (& slightly hysterically) - nite.

9:30 am...alarm goes off...
- groan- I go to move and feel like I have been run over by a truck, all the tension and stress of 10 hours of alert driving - ugh. I crawl to the shower, get dressed, pet the cat, and just as I am putting on my gloves...

-tap-tap-tap-

Odd, someone is knocking on my door...I answer.
The sweet young couple (with baby in arms) who live upstairs from me have come to tell me...

THAT THEY ARE TOWING MY F*CKING CAR...Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
No way. Not Possible. Not after last night...I head out the front door just in time to watch the tow truck pulling away with my car!!! (remember my lamenting option 3 of doing good for good karma in return...apparently doesn't always work that way)

'You have got to be f*cking kidding me!!' I shout, 'No way!!!' - unfortunately, this upset the baby, who starts crying and then I have to make myself look calm and happy so they will stop (and apologize to the poor sweet couple for swearing in front of their child) Yep, it is another 'Yay me!' moment. Ack!

The couple leaves me to my misery, I walk into the apartment and call two of my friends in exasperated wonder at my totally sucky luck...after hanging up with the second one. I lose it, that is it - I just can't handle any more and I completely bawl like a baby for a good 2 minutes. Which turns out to be the release valve that I needed but left me weepy when I called the towing company to see if they had my car, was it still on the truck, would they please bring it back to me if it was...by the time the man hung up with me - he actually felt bad for me.

11:12 am text - 'if it weren't for bad luck, i would have no luck at all'

11:15 am - called the taxi to take me to the towing place
11:55 am - arrived at the towing place...looking pathetic, still red eyed from my self-pity party, maneuvering stiffly over the snow from my 10 hour stint in the car the night before. And totally prepared to be mad at the towing company forever and name them in this blog, causing trouble and havoc for them for the rest of their years in business...what? you think that might be a bit too much?
Ok, fine.

But the man behind the counter was the same man who had talked to my weeping self earlier, and my guess is that people usually shout at him, but few cry...and I really looked like something the cat had; played with, drug around a few days, and then squashed, at this point. His eyes got sympathetic, he actually said please when he asked for my money, and even...gave me a discount over what he had told me on the phone.

Soooo, having gone through all of that, I have to say that I have some of the best friends on the planet because I am able to laugh about it AND most importantly their humor, sympathy, and company made the experience worth it. (well, maybe not the towing part ... grrrr!!)

Thank you ALL!! :)