the great outdoors, part one

People often laugh at me when I say that my idea of camping is the Ritz Carlton (that is a good story too but for another day :) and totally worth the telling, but this one first - for perspective). My response to their laughter...if you had had my camping experiences, you would understand.

So to shed a little light on my adamant revulsion for sleeping outside I thought I would share some of my camping misadventures, this is part one.

Let us begin dear friends by setting the stage for you:
22 teenagers
4 chaperons (one of which was me, yes - scary I know)
1 youth leader (who had NEVER been camping before, I found this out later)
3 days in the wilds of West Virginia

Sure, noooo problem.

We start driving to West Virginia 2 hours off schedule, not a good start, but no worries. 2 vans of shouting teenagers for 6 hours, what could be a more relaxing drive. (No, of course that wasn't sarcastic) The rain was falling pretty heavy and so after 3 hours the first drivers were tired, so I took up one of the driving spots. Luckily I had driven vans before, since grandpa had always had them, so I thought 'no problem' - this is where my fun begins...

I was not prepared for a van full of screaming teenagers (that I was responsible for), in the pouring rain, driving on roads that were too narrow for two cars (two small cars-mind you) to go by each other, going up and down steep mountain roads where you had to apply the brakes with the delicate touch of a brain surgeon to keep from sliding off the mountain. By the time we reached the camp site I was white knuckled on the steering wheel, that probably still has the imprints of my fingers wrapped around it. Never in my life have I had a more stressful drive.

We drive into the camping area where there are two large, ridiculously painted...wait for it...
tepees.
*sigh*

You have to be joking! (for those of you who may not know me, I am Cherokee to some unknown percentage...adopted, no record) and do my best to NOT buy into ludicrous stereotypical places, such as this. Ugh.

Now if the fact that these were absolutely hideous structures was not enough, they were also mounted on huge cement slabs, so we go from camping on the soft ground, to sleeping in a travesty of native american paraphernalia on concrete...g-r-e-a-t!!! And to make it better, because apparently they wanted the tepees to be 'authentic' they have holes in the tops. So they are completely wet on the inside, my joy and enthusiasm for this trip was just getting better and better...(what? you don't believe me...good!!) Someone should have mentioned to them that the only reason for the fricking hole at the top was so that the smoke from the fire you were supposed to have going, could escape. If you aren't going to be building a fire, no need for the hole guys!

We all pile out of the vans and begin to unload, watching carefully that the girls tepee and the boys tepee's do not suddenly become 'co-ed' and get everyone settled. The rain is blissfully beginning to let up, which means that we should be able to setup some food and potentially have a campfire and marshmallows before shuffling the kids to bed.

We locate the campfire area and there is a mildly dug out pit that it is obvious others had used for fires recently, perfect, there was even a small wire rack, which was more than I was expecting. I look over at the youth leader,
"So where is the fire ring? Do you see one?"
"Isn't this it?" he replies.
"No, it is a tall metal ring that goes around this to keep the fire from spreading if there is wind." I spoke very patiently.
"Oh, there is no wind and with all this rain, that would never happen."

Famous last words...And he proceeds to start putting down the charcoal and logs to start the fire. "That is not a good idea without the fire ring..." I cautioned again and kept looking around for it in the dark. He over-ruled my concern and within minutes we had a roaring fire. Now, I must admit, given my complete dislike of cold weather of any kind (again, why did I choose to chaperon??? I
was to ask myself this question many more times over the next few days) that the fire felt wonderful, truly.

Everyone gathered around and grilled hot dogs, marshmallows, etc. Another small snag in our excursion, I was a vegetarian at this time, and had not had the foresight to pack my own food. Which meant very little to choose from for eating...so tonight's meal...a hot dog bun and marshmallows. I may not be a very big person but I can eat, a lot. Needless to say, this was no where near enough for me and I ended up being a little out of sorts with myself over forgetting to bring real food. (meaning Cheetos, of course ... ... get it?? 'cheesy')

We all sit around chatting for a bit and then begin shuffling the kids off to the bathrooms (side note here, the bathrooms were maybe 150 yards away from the lovely tepees) and since the girls were not allowed to go by themselves, we had to walk with them...about 30 times. Excellent!! So now I have gone from mildly hungry to ravenous, and if you know me you will know that I am not my normal sweet self when I get hungry. And if you do not know me, let me describe: Me normally, docile - sweet - and demure as a church mouse...ok, fine - stop laughing, but still at least I am mostly nice and only slightly feisty. Me hungry, imagine a mother polar bear that has just had her cubs stolen and she catches up to the creature that has them...and then you are about half way there.

So I go in search of food from the van, since the hot dog buns are gone and there is just no way that I can consume another marshmallow. I have yet to see such a fine selection of meat products in my life. There were hot dogs, vienna sausages, deli turkey and ham, cans of chicken soup, chili, and beef stew...even the 'junk food' was meat - he brought pork rinds! (big sigh) So no food. Fine, at least everyone was getting ready for bed so I could ignore my hunger if I could just get some sleep.

Another chaperon and I opted to sleep outside, in-between the two tepees so that any late night attempts at sneaking into the girls tent would be thwarted by them tripping over us. The wind had picked up quite a bit, leaves were blowing over and around us but it was overall not completely unpleasant. So just as we lay down, I see just a flicker out of the corner of my eye...I turn my head staring intently...was that what I thought it was?

I look - I wait.

Nothing, ok, I must have imagined it. I go to lay down, adjust my pillow and catch the 'flicker' again. Okay, something is up. I poke the other chaperon say, "I think something just flickered, look." We both stare into the night in the general direction of where the campfire had been earlier.

Flicker (uh-oh)
Flicker - we start scrambling out of our sleeping bags
FLOOSH!!! OH SHIT!!!!

The fire had gotten restarted by the wind and had been spreading under the leaves unseen and then WOOSH! It was everywhere!!! We started running over to try and put it out. We had a tiny amount of water left from the hot dogs that I reached for and poured on as much as I could...not helping! The wind kept spreading the flames just as we had stomped 6 out - 12 popped up. I run to the boys tent where the youth leader was sleeping...pot still in hand...flames rising behind me...adrenaline and panic rising inside me.

"Fire! We need help - get up." - I yell
Nothing.
"Fire! We need help - get up!!!" - I yell louder this time.
Nothing.

Fire is ALL behind me, I can feel the heat on my back now.

Here is where I became grateful of the concrete slab, realizing that I still have the hot dog pot in my hands, I start slamming it on the concrete and screaming at the top of my lungs!
"FIRE!!! GET UP!!!"

Swish!!! 4 boys come flying out of the tepee, literally doing peter pan style leaps. See the fire and well, since it was a church trip, I just will let you guess what they said. They charge into help and I have never been more happy for youthful, testosterone driven, feelings of immortality!! Then the youth leader comes out, his jaw drops, he turns white, says nothing, runs to a van, and drives away...

I was stunned...and just stared after him...in complete and utter disbelief...stammering softly.

The commotion behind me shook me out of my shock, and I turned to see the fire was starting to catch on the trees and was wrapping around the legs of the picnic table, that had all the canisters of fuel on them. The next 10 seconds slowed down to what felt like a year as I started moving - as if through molasses trying to get to the fuel canisters before the fire did...all the while hearing the music from the 'Bionic Man" in my head as I moved... (nah nah nah nah...)

Whew, made it! I picked up all the canisters as the flames started licking at the base of the closest fuel bottle!

And that is when the night really got weird...

What?? yep, exactly :)

So we are stomping out the fire as best we can, picking up dirt in our hands and throwing it on the fire (in my case, using the pot to put out the flames) when, out of no where, two guys with lights on their heads and shovels, coming running into our campsite...by now about 50 square feet is burning at various levels, I send 2 of the our group off for water with the biggest pots we could find, but it really was the magical (come from thin air) lighted shovel guys that turned the tide in our favor. After somewhere around 45 min. to an hour we had the entire fire out and were slumped at the picnic table, with the boys wired as all get out and all of us chaperons REALLY wanting a beer.

And somehow through all of this chaos, and shouting, none of the girls woke up!!! And to be brutally honest, shocking of me I know, I am so glad they didn't because a group of screaming panicky girls might have just pushed me over the teetering brink that I was already on!

Slowly we all started to calm down, settled the boys and get back to our sleeping bags, and guess who drives up?!?
Yep, the youth leader!!! We pounced on him!
"Where the hell did you go?"
"I went to get help."
"Well, where the hell are they??"
"I couldn't find anyone!"
"So why didn't you come back sooner!!"

We were all angry with him but didn't want things to escalate further in front of the kids, so with exasperated sighs we all went our separate ways to sleep.

After, at the most, four hours of sleep we awake to the dulcet sounds of ... girls shrieking! *Groan* Now what I think as a roll over and long to pull the sleeping bag over my head for another 12 hours.
"It's snowing!!" Their excited voices exclaim.

'You have to be F*ing kidding me!!!' I think grumpily to myself, last night was rain, fire, today snow, I want to go home NOW!!! Full of bitter resentment I drag myself out of my sleeping bag into the cold morning snow. I think I actually whimpered...

So as I slunk over to the far picnic table to huddle over a cup of instant coffee, the youth leader sits across from me. "Hey, what is that?" he says, pointing just over my shoulder. I turn around to look, and turn back to him sneering and trying my best not kill him with the daggers that are shooting out of my eyes.

"Oh, that?! That would be the 'fire ring' but who needs one of those anyway!" *Grrrr*

We were banned from the park - forever!