downhill

As you all know from my "winter storm" story, I am not a fan of winter and I never have been. So what on earth possessed me to agree to go skiing I have no idea. My friend asked me to go and I was so reluctant that she decided to pay for my ski lesson if I went, so finally I relented, figuring if worse comes to worse at least I can go to the lodge and hide out by the fire. Now that I look back on it, I probably should have just gone straight to the lodge saved myself the rental fees, embarrassing flailings, and had a beer.

Everything started out nice enough, I met her at her house so that I could borrow some snow gear because at the time I had my 'artsy' clothes (capes, plumed hats, and kid gloves) but no real outdoor gear. She and I were almost the same size so it sounded perfect...until I saw what she was loaning me. She wasn't loaning me her clothes but clothes from her brother! So while she looked like a snow-bunny goddess, with tight gortex pants and matching cute waist-cut jacket, I resembled a baggy Michelin man in red. Not quite the look I was hoping for. So trying to look on the bright side of my clearly unattractive apparel I figured, well at least this way when I am rolling down the slopes I will have some padding.

Just as we were leaving her house the snow began to fall and what should have taken us two hours took four. So I had to dash through renting equipment and boot fittings to make it to the lesson. Keep in mind this is my first time ever on skis or in ski boots. So may I suggest that it would have been nice if I had been informed that ski boots look like normal boots, but really they pitch you forward and if you don't keep your knees bent when you stand up you end up toppling onto your face.

Which I did,
twice,
before I got the hang of it.

So right then I am thinking my chances of not breaking every bone in my body by the end of the day are not looking good if I have fallen twice before I am even on skis.

Tripping (but at least no more falling) every few feet or so I make my way over to the ski counter to get fitted - meanwhile my beautiful ski bunny goddess friend has already met a guy, started a conversation with him, and waved farewell to me - the other reason that I really didn't want to come. I knew she would do this, I just thought that it would take a little longer than 5 minutes. I was peeved, mostly because I was scared of dying, and she was leaving me, and they wouldn't find my body until the summer thaw, and there would be no one to feed my cat, and ... ok, stop - breath - you may be over-reacting...true. But still!!! Fine, I cheered myself by having delightful visions of myself gliding past her down the slopes, with ease and grace... ha, that will show her!

So...
skis-check,
boots-check,
poles-check,
bladder control diapers-check!!

I am off to the slopes and my lesson ... oh joy!!

The instructor calls us over to the bottom of the kiddie slope, which might as well have been Mount Everest to me (when in reality, i think it may have had a 2 degree slope), I am sure I had the facial expression of a deer in headlights. He shows us a few tricks for getting out of our skis and to my deep amusement how to fall!!! I laughed out loud on that one, was he kidding!! I wanted to learn how NOT to fall - falling I had down pat! (get it, 'down' - oh nevermind)

We were ready now to go to the top of the kiddie slope, so I shuffled over to the ski lift and...
was totally unprepared for the force with which the bar hits you in the back of the knees...
causing me to lose the minuscule amount of balance I possessed...
then I accidentally sat on the 'j' bar - which doesn't work because it is not made to hold any weight, at all
so...
then I fall off the 'j' bar (so glad I had that lesson in 'falling'---grrr!)...
land with a 'flump' in the snow and manage to get my ski stuck. Well, this is certainly going NOTHING like I had visualized, and yet exactly as I expected.

After much embarrassment on my part, being helped by two people, to get out of my skis, back on my feet, and back in my skis; I made it to the top of the hill. So we are all stranded up there with the only way out of this situation being to actually go down the hill. And despite that there was no choice, I was seriously looking for alternate ways to get back to the lodge and avoid going down the slope. (I could toss pride out the window, take off my skis and just crawl back; I could pretend to all of sudden be going into labor so that the ski patrol would have to come get me; I could train my mind in the ways of the jedi masters and just teleport myself there...) dammit, it was my turn...the instructor came up behind me and shoved me down the hill...it went like this...

ahhhh
fall
curse, curse
struggle up
ahhhh
fall
curse, curse
struggle up
ahhhh
fall
whimper, sniffle, curse
struggle up
ahhhh
fall
whimper, whimper, hysterical laughter
struggle up
fuck it!
remove skis and walk down

Now, in a mental lapse that I am still unable to fully understand, I went up again...why??? I felt guilty for not taking advantage of the full lesson time that my snow bunny goddess friend who totally abandoned me to die on the kiddie slope paid for! Dusk was starting by this time and I figured if I could just get down once more it would be something of an accomplishment and then I could feel totally justified in NEVER doing this again.

My mistake in this plan...waiting to be the last one to go so the instructor would not push me...this time it went like this...

breath
ski 2 "
stop
turn slightly
breath
ski 2"
stop
turn slightly
lose pole
ahhh
oh shit
sliding too far off bunny slope
oh shit
ditch
oh shit
orange fence
oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

I am in a ditch, on my back staring up at the sky, with my skis tangled in orange fencing which I can't reach, it is getting dark, no one was around or saw where I went, my friend will never even come to look for me because she is off with Jules the dark haired mogul master, and I am going to die here and be eaten by vultures.

Perfect!!!

Tears of embarrassment, frustration, and betrayal begin to build up...well, this is just ridiculous my mind begins to fuss at my ego - get up idiot and don't just lay there getting cold and feeling sorry for yourself...you are not in the Alaskan wilderness, it is a fricking ski resort. Several deep breaths later, I manage to push myself into a half sitting position and extricate myself from my skis (which I left there). Then climbed out of the ditch, which did take a few tries, and once at the top, collapsed in frantic laughter happy to not have to be eaten by wild animals.

So, no more downhill adventures for me, unless Sven the Olympic ski god comes himself to escort me personally down the slopes!!!